Love Addiction with Co-Dependency

I heard it in the movie Juno that the best you can hope for is to “Find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.” Maybe it’s slightly paraphrased but you get the point. Isn’t that what we all want? To be accepted and loved for who we are; good, bad, or indifferent? How many of us go searching in all the wrong places for that? Or try to change ourselves to fit into the mold of what someone else wants? I mean, really think about it and your past experiences in relationships. How many people did you actually date that were interested in you for exactly who you were and didn’t have some kind of personal agenda?  I’m sure there are a few of you who have been blessed early in life with finding that ‘once in a lifetime’ partner and I applaud you, sincerely! I’m glad you haven’t had to experience the heartaches and disappointment many of us have felt. I know I have dated some guys that….for lack of a better term were TOTAL LOSERS!! I don’t even know what I was thinking sometimes. Onward….

I dated men that weren’t emotionally available, I dated men who didn’t like women very much. I dated men that didn’t even like themselves very much. In my first marriage I ultimately married a guy like that. I thought, love was all I needed. I believed that if I found the right guy that everything would be ok. I thought I could change him and once we got married we would have this happy little family and all the bad stuff will go away. I put up with so much bad behavior from my boyfriends and then my first husband that I cringe just thinking about it now. I loved the feeling of falling in love; meeting that new guy and having that connection, and I would look for it often. The only time I broke up with someone was because I already had another guy in the wings. If I got broken up with I’d be on the hunt that night looking or a new love so I would feel better. I was highly codependent; thinking that I could fix any man with any kind of problem if I loved him enough. I believed I could change into what ever he wanted.  But I never received any love back and couldn’t figure out why that was. I would ask myself “What is wrong with me?” Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Am I not good enough? I thought that if I became the perfect person that they would have to love me…..I thought love was the answer to everything and that if someone loved me enough and if I loved them that nothing else mattered.

I lost friends, rejected my family and lost interests in things that mattered to me. I allowed their world to become my world and took on behaviors that weren’t mine. I exchanged the person I was for the person they wanted me to be. I changed my style, my hair, my weight, and my image. I thought that if I were just “good enough” they would love me. When I was rejected (which was plenty of times) I took it to mean that there was something wrong with me, not that possibly the guy was a total a-hole, but that I had the problem. Can you imagine? Maybe some of you can resonate! I hurt so badly inside during these times, I just can’t believe that I was so desperate. I sacrificed my career, education, and chances to travel. I just lost any part of me that made Kristen who she was and I did it on purpose! I was out of control and my friends were just sick of me and my drama. Crazy with a booze bottle….that was me.

When I created this life coaching and hypnotherapy business I was so excited because I wanted to help so many people with afflictions such as mine. Yet as I began to lay out my business plan I saw just how screwed up in life I was. Truly. I mean, just look at my list of specialties!  How did I get this way? When did I loose my way in the world and end up with all of these problems? What kind of life plan did I lay out for myself before I came here because this lifetime has been a doozy. Maybe I am planning some kind of big  final exit. Maybe this is my last time coming around and I want to go out with a bang!! Yeah that’s it! I’m so glad I finally have a chance to heal my life, and heal those memories. It’s ok, because if I didn’t go through them I wouldn’t be able to help others who are suffering.

So what is Love Addiction and how do you know if you have it? It’s being addicted to that intoxicated feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting! It’s that rush that someone finds you interesting and you find them interesting. It can be a sexual attraction, and often Love and Sex Addiction goes hand in hand much like Love addiction and Co-dependency. Here is the best description I found from Love Addiction Treatment Center:

*“While the desire to love and be loved is perfectly normal, the intoxicating feeling of being “in love” can be addictive for some individuals. If you’ve ever been in love, you know how powerful it can be. Suddenly your world is completely turned upside down. You feel an excitement – an energy, if you will – that makes everything seem new and wonderful. Some people describe it as feeling like they were walking on air. It’s natural to want this euphoric feeling to last forever.

Of course, most people realize that the wonderful initial feeling of new love doesn’t (and can’t) last forever. In healthy long-term relationships, the initial love gradually gives way to a more mature love – one that is perhaps less intoxicating and euphoric, but ultimately much more fulfilling and stable. For those prone to love addiction, however, the loss of that initial euphoria is akin to the crash that drug addicts feel when their drug of choice wears off. They crave the “high” and begin the search for another fix. Love addicts are no different, which is why they often go from one relationship to the next once the initial high wears off.”

Do you think you have a Love Addiction with Co-Dependency issue?

• Do you fall in love easily and quickly?
• Do you think that you are nothing with out a partner?
• Do you base your self worth on the fact of having a partner or not?
• Do you get jealous and feel possessive easily?
• Do you find yourself dating anyone who asks you?
• Are you always looking for your next relationship?
• Do you sabotage your relationships just so you can start a new one?
• Do you search for high risk partners thinking your love can fix them?
• Do you stay in unhealthy relationships because you believe your love is enough for the both of you?
• Do you equate sex to love?
• If you have sex with someone do you now believe this is a relationship?
• Do you have sex with anyone who asks, thinking it is because they like/love you?
• Do you believe you are unlovable?
• Were you rejected early in life from your parents or caregivers?
• When you go on a date you immediately size the person up for marriage?
• Do you sacrifice friends and family for your partner?
• Partake in activities you know are dangerous just to make them happy? (drugs, alcohol, sex)
• You loose interest in your friends, activities, and job?
• Do your friends and family cringe every time you have a new “relationship”?
• Are you mentally and physically exhausted at the thought of leaving a bad relationship?
• Do you tolerate physical and verbal abuse because you think you deserve it?

If any of these symptoms ring true for you, you may be suffering from Love Addiction with Co-Dependency. Hypnotherapy and Coaching truly worked wonders for me by getting to the root of my problems. I had very low self esteem and self worth. It made such a difference in my second marriage. I was already on the road to healing when I met him but going through the training enabled me to shed the remaining parts of me that were not healthy. My second husband and I have been working very hard on our issues because we want a healthy, stable, and rewarding lifestyle!

Please visit my website at www.sacredcircleministry.com for a complete overview of services to see how we may be able to help you! You don’t have to live like this, it may be hard work to transform behaviors but it is so much more rewarding. Relationships are meant to be an additive or a compliment to who we are, not something to change us. However, in order to find someone to love us for exactly who we are, we have to be ready. By being ready means being healthy and leaving the other baggage behind. Until we change we will live the same pattern over and over wishing we will get better.

In light

Kristen

*From www.loveaddictiontreatment.com

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It’s a Beautiful Day…..on the Road to Success!

I finally got my website published yesterday. What began as a quest to put together a simple synapsis of what my business would be like and services offered turned into an unbelievable experience I won’t soon forget. What did I really want to have happen? What type of business did I really want to have? I would go back and forth to the computer analyzing this possibility, thinking over that possibility, etc. I spent hundreds of hour’s researching websites from every Life Coach, Hypnotherapist and Tarot Reader I could find. I studied what worked for them, what didn’t, what I liked, and what I didn’t. It all made me begin to realize that this was for real! This was not just something to throw together this indeed was the face front of what I wanted my life’s work to be about! Start throwing words around like that and suddenly you begin to think like you are an important person or something, you now have “work”. The only “face front” I ever had was a drunk face front so…… I’m kind of behind the 8 ball a bit.

Moving on, it had become a daunting task, because now I had a purpose. Now it had to be really special and have the greatest representation of how my business would come across. Have you seen some of the websites out there? There are some really good ones and even more bad ones. I didn’t want to fall somewhere in the middle, I wanted to be in the top 10 of what I saw out there. I wanted people to know that “Hey I am serious about this!” But everyday I sat sown in front of my computer uninspired, unfeeling, and unsure of what it was exactly I would be doing with my business. I had been on this journey of self discovery through school for about 16 months and I still didn’t feel as though I had arrived. I felt like I was still out there in the ethers..floating.

After my ordination in early December I thought ok, this is it, now it is time to knock this out of the park. I have completed the bulk of my education and I am ready to roll. I sat back down in front of the computer once again but just stared at the screen. Nothing flowed from my soul into my fingers. I had a few rough ideas here and there but nothing concrete. I started to feel like maybe I had made a mistake, like all the times before. I would get so excited about a new idea and throw my life into it only to fail. My husband was kind of enough to remind me that Abraham Lincoln failed like a million times before he became president and everyone laughed at Thomas Edison and his light bulb. I said “That was like 10 million years ago, this is happening right now!” He said “It’s when you don’t try that you are failing.” I didn’t know if I should hug him or slap him. Maybe secretly I wanted to be a failure, I was tired of being embarrassed when something doesn’t work. All I ever wanted was my own business and each time I had it, it failed. I began to clearly feel that maybe I was better off being a worker bee instead of an entrepreneur.

My teachers and friends at school assured me that I was great at what I was doing and this was my true calling. As I would look at them though my eyes I would be saying “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know who I am? I don’t succeed, I fail miserably!” I have spent my life busting my ass to make other people money, and did it well Yet when it came for myself there never seemed to be enough money to start it up or enough time to do it right. That is the one thing about SWIHA I have to say is that from day 1 they drill it into your head you can and will succeed. They don’t question your ability; they naturally have faith that all of their students will be a stellar success. I thought that was pretty cool since some of us there have serious emotional and physical damage from past issues. Mostly everyone I met was either an addict, a recovering addict, in and out of abusive relationships, or can’t quite nail down what it is they want to do with their life. None of us really fit in mainstream academia. One things is for sure, it is a school for people who need a different way to get well in a way that nothing else had ever worked for any of them. At least that was my story. Remember, I only went the originally to see if I could get my hours for an Arizona massage license. I walked out enrolled in a 2 year degree.

I put it in my head that over Christmas break I would finish my website, my blog, and my Facebook page and have it all published and at least look like I had a business going. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. One morning I sat down on the computer and magic words began to flow out of my fingers and onto the screen. I actually had a feeling like I knew what I was doing. I felt like someone else was possibly ‘driving the car’ but who cares, maybe Spirit knows better about these things. I remember that song by Carrie Underwood (I think) called “Jesus Take the Wheel”, maybe Spirit took the computer. However it happened it kept me clicking keys for 18 days straight. Out of that came every single aspect of how I wanted my business to be. What shocked me more is that I actually believe that this is a formidable business. I know it will be successful and last night I was telling my husband I expect to gross 30,000 a month in the first year. No I wasn’t drunk or high, I was being real. I said the more money we make with this ministry the more we can give it to the people who need it most. God knows we have been there. He stood there and while trying to remain calm about the prospect of 30,000 dollars a month he looked at me and said I “Well, now I guess you can buy that boat you’ve wanted for a while!” Then he said “I always knew you could do anything you set your mind too, I was just waiting for you to discover it too.”

Before I went to bed I went and looked at my website again. I have never taken a web design course and I am the worst touch typer ever. It took me many hours to get it perfect (in my eyes), but I think for the first time in my life I got it right. The more I typed and formulated the more the ideas and plans just seeped out of me and I don’t even know where it came from because I hadn’t planned it out previously. It was magic. My biggest challenge was getting all the my modalities that I am capable of  and love down to about 4. From there I figure with time it will get down to my number one service. I felt I would leave that part open to the Universe, that the people who need me the most will show up in that particular category. If I can trust Spirit to design my website I’m pretty sure They will send me the people I need to help. How wonderful is that? I get to help people heal and help them to feel god about themselves. It’s a beautiful day…I haven’t said that in years…Enjoy!!!

Blessings,

Kristen