Considering Having an Affair?

Face it, at one time or another in any of your relationships you have thought about “stepping out” on the other. Maybe it was with that really smart, good looking guy at the party or an interesting women that just got hired at your job. What started out as simple conversation grew into this ravenous affair that you have no idea how it began. All of a sudden you have this cozy little love affair that no one knows about. This person drew life into your tired and miserable marriage. Maybe they spoke a kind word that your ears longed to hear, or a gentle touch of your face that long had been ignored. They said you were beautiful and touched your body like you were a Goddess. Or, she didn’t notice you were graying and had gained 15 pounds since high school but thought you were so handsome. It’s the same for men and women; we feel the same way when we are neglected, forgotten about and under appreciated. I’m not talking about people who need their ego’s continually stroked, I’m talking about people who are in long term relationships or marriage’s where they feel abandoned, lost, and broken.

One might think well ”What would an affair hurt? My spouse doesn’t care about me anymore, he thinks I’m fat and stupid and tells me so daily! It would serve him right, maybe he would notice me then!” Or a man saying “My wife doesn’t appreciate a single thing I do; she won’t have sex with me, she never says anything nice to me and just uses me like an ATM! I deserve to have another woman in my life she think’s I’m special and I work hard all week long!!” No truer words have been spoken out of either’s mouth. Or so they think.

When being faced with neglect and withdrawal in a marriage or relationship many people feel desperate and think that having an affair or extracurricular activities are not only appropriate but they deserve it. They deserve to feel love and appreciation. Some may feel that it’s a form of punishing their spouse, teaching them a lesson for treating you so bad. Resentment turns into revenge, anger turns into spite, and love turns to hate. Oh so many emotions and pain flowing around in your head…it would be so easy to just slip away and indulge….We do deserve to have love and appreciation but I promise you cheating is not the way to go. You may think you are punishing the other but in reality, you are only punishing yourself.

The ‘person’ you are getting back at is not going to feel the pain of the affair like you are. Guilt, shame, regret, fear, anxiety, the lies, the deceit, the deed…it only sinks you lower than the person you are getting back at. It may seem thrilling and exciting and the “other” may feel the same way. The drama, the scheming, and the lust push you both into an ulterior existence. They find you irresistible, sexy, smart and you passionately count the minutes until your next meeting. All along you have your dirty little secret in your pocket like a million dollar bill and you are so smug, and so sure this is the best thing ever. But then it crashes………..and it will crash.

You begin to look at yourself and see that you have turned into something you never thought you would: a liar and a cheater. You sold your soul for a good time, and a few good words. The pain you have put into your own heart will take along time to wash away. You didn’t let your spouse down so much as you let yourself down. It all started off so innocently, or so it seemed,  and now it’s a giant mess.You can’t take it back and it won’t go away. All of a sudden these thoughts come rushing to your head: What was I thinking? Why did I do this? What is going to happen? How do I make it stop? Oh my God, what am I going to do???

Well, you could wake up and realize it’s all a bad dream, that you really didn’t partake in the adventure. You could take a good long look in the mirror at yourself and see what about you needs to grow and change to have a successful relationship with your spouse. You could initiate difficult conversation with them and ask them how they feel about the relationship and share your feelings with each other. I know that sounds painfully awkward, embarrassing, and maybe even scary. Yet, if you’re willing to go there you may be pleasantly surprised. They may feel the exact same way as you. The above people having an affair is really a couple cheating on each other. They both felt the same way, looking for the same things from other people. Repairing a broken relationship is not easy and sometimes it isn’t possible but I promise you, it is better than the before story.

Change with anything begins with us instead of pointing our finger and telling someone what is wrong with them. In Relationship Coaching, the coach acts as a mediator, a person to ask the hard questions and initiate that difficult conversation and help bring resolve. I can teach you how to hear and truly listen to what your partner is saying with out prejudice and assumption. It’s about learning to communicate WITH each other not AT each other. We can’t change a single thing about the past and we begin with a fresh, a clean slate. There isn’t a single thing we can change about the past, nothing, so we let it go and we learn from it.

If you have taken the route of above and had the affair, I can help you work through that as well either individually or as a couple. Either way, learning to heal from it is important. We can look at it as information and how not to make the same choice in the future. You can also learn how to effectively communicate what is in your heart while not feeling so desperate and alone. Relationship Coaching is a great tool for any stage of a relationship or marriage.

In light,

Kristen

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It’s a Beautiful Day…..on the Road to Success!

I finally got my website published yesterday. What began as a quest to put together a simple synapsis of what my business would be like and services offered turned into an unbelievable experience I won’t soon forget. What did I really want to have happen? What type of business did I really want to have? I would go back and forth to the computer analyzing this possibility, thinking over that possibility, etc. I spent hundreds of hour’s researching websites from every Life Coach, Hypnotherapist and Tarot Reader I could find. I studied what worked for them, what didn’t, what I liked, and what I didn’t. It all made me begin to realize that this was for real! This was not just something to throw together this indeed was the face front of what I wanted my life’s work to be about! Start throwing words around like that and suddenly you begin to think like you are an important person or something, you now have “work”. The only “face front” I ever had was a drunk face front so…… I’m kind of behind the 8 ball a bit.

Moving on, it had become a daunting task, because now I had a purpose. Now it had to be really special and have the greatest representation of how my business would come across. Have you seen some of the websites out there? There are some really good ones and even more bad ones. I didn’t want to fall somewhere in the middle, I wanted to be in the top 10 of what I saw out there. I wanted people to know that “Hey I am serious about this!” But everyday I sat sown in front of my computer uninspired, unfeeling, and unsure of what it was exactly I would be doing with my business. I had been on this journey of self discovery through school for about 16 months and I still didn’t feel as though I had arrived. I felt like I was still out there in the ethers..floating.

After my ordination in early December I thought ok, this is it, now it is time to knock this out of the park. I have completed the bulk of my education and I am ready to roll. I sat back down in front of the computer once again but just stared at the screen. Nothing flowed from my soul into my fingers. I had a few rough ideas here and there but nothing concrete. I started to feel like maybe I had made a mistake, like all the times before. I would get so excited about a new idea and throw my life into it only to fail. My husband was kind of enough to remind me that Abraham Lincoln failed like a million times before he became president and everyone laughed at Thomas Edison and his light bulb. I said “That was like 10 million years ago, this is happening right now!” He said “It’s when you don’t try that you are failing.” I didn’t know if I should hug him or slap him. Maybe secretly I wanted to be a failure, I was tired of being embarrassed when something doesn’t work. All I ever wanted was my own business and each time I had it, it failed. I began to clearly feel that maybe I was better off being a worker bee instead of an entrepreneur.

My teachers and friends at school assured me that I was great at what I was doing and this was my true calling. As I would look at them though my eyes I would be saying “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know who I am? I don’t succeed, I fail miserably!” I have spent my life busting my ass to make other people money, and did it well Yet when it came for myself there never seemed to be enough money to start it up or enough time to do it right. That is the one thing about SWIHA I have to say is that from day 1 they drill it into your head you can and will succeed. They don’t question your ability; they naturally have faith that all of their students will be a stellar success. I thought that was pretty cool since some of us there have serious emotional and physical damage from past issues. Mostly everyone I met was either an addict, a recovering addict, in and out of abusive relationships, or can’t quite nail down what it is they want to do with their life. None of us really fit in mainstream academia. One things is for sure, it is a school for people who need a different way to get well in a way that nothing else had ever worked for any of them. At least that was my story. Remember, I only went the originally to see if I could get my hours for an Arizona massage license. I walked out enrolled in a 2 year degree.

I put it in my head that over Christmas break I would finish my website, my blog, and my Facebook page and have it all published and at least look like I had a business going. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. One morning I sat down on the computer and magic words began to flow out of my fingers and onto the screen. I actually had a feeling like I knew what I was doing. I felt like someone else was possibly ‘driving the car’ but who cares, maybe Spirit knows better about these things. I remember that song by Carrie Underwood (I think) called “Jesus Take the Wheel”, maybe Spirit took the computer. However it happened it kept me clicking keys for 18 days straight. Out of that came every single aspect of how I wanted my business to be. What shocked me more is that I actually believe that this is a formidable business. I know it will be successful and last night I was telling my husband I expect to gross 30,000 a month in the first year. No I wasn’t drunk or high, I was being real. I said the more money we make with this ministry the more we can give it to the people who need it most. God knows we have been there. He stood there and while trying to remain calm about the prospect of 30,000 dollars a month he looked at me and said I “Well, now I guess you can buy that boat you’ve wanted for a while!” Then he said “I always knew you could do anything you set your mind too, I was just waiting for you to discover it too.”

Before I went to bed I went and looked at my website again. I have never taken a web design course and I am the worst touch typer ever. It took me many hours to get it perfect (in my eyes), but I think for the first time in my life I got it right. The more I typed and formulated the more the ideas and plans just seeped out of me and I don’t even know where it came from because I hadn’t planned it out previously. It was magic. My biggest challenge was getting all the my modalities that I am capable of  and love down to about 4. From there I figure with time it will get down to my number one service. I felt I would leave that part open to the Universe, that the people who need me the most will show up in that particular category. If I can trust Spirit to design my website I’m pretty sure They will send me the people I need to help. How wonderful is that? I get to help people heal and help them to feel god about themselves. It’s a beautiful day…I haven’t said that in years…Enjoy!!!

Blessings,

Kristen