Why is Everyone I Date an Idiot??!!

Well, maybe not an idiot but you get the point. Why is it that everyone you date doesn’t seem to have their crap together? Why do you go from person to person to person always finding something wrong with them? Or every relationship you start either goes up in flames or sinks like a ship? For whatever reason there just doesn’t seem to be any reprieve and the last person you dated was worse than the last! Your friends and family are beginning to think you will be eternally single and you think that there will never be the RIGHT person!! Let’s look at that for a moment…..who IS the RIGHT person and why can’t you meet them?

How many of you meet a guy or a girl and everything seems alright until about the third date? Then, after that you seem to find something wrong with them; some habit, their style, the way they chew their food, etc. Or, you think it’s a good idea to talk about meeting your parents and what are their thoughts on marriage? I used to be the kind of person that dated losers. Every guy was worse off than the last; no car, no job, and riding a friend’s couch. My dad would cringe every time he opened the door and see some long-haired, unemployed, guy without a hope in the world. I dated men who hurt me, abused me, lied to me, stole from me..You know the story. The only thing I didn’t have happen was get a venereal disease or get pregnant. No wait, I lied, I did and actually had a miscarriage.

I thought that was as good as I could do, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of dating anyone better. I didn’t feel very good about myself inside, and I didn’t look good on the outside. My outer appearance affected my inner turmoil. I was either angry all the time or heavily intoxicated. I just couldn’t seem to pull it or myself together. I just felt so hopeless, and so desperate to have someone love me I looked in all the wrong places and went with just about any guy. I thought that if someone loved me then everything would be ok. I just wanted someone to make me feel better.

My poor choice in men began when I was a teenager. I dated a guy who lied to me and cheated on me. He cheated because he could…and all the girls loved him and he knew it. I stayed with him for a few years because I believed somewhere in my demented head that he loved me too and if I were just BETTER than I currently was he would stop cheating and be happy with me. I made his cheating problem all about me. I internalized his need for infidelity and made it about myself. Sound familiar? I did everything I could from dressing as pretty as I could, to trying all the hottest sex moves, to being at his beck and call. I was a very sick individual at the time. What I didn’t know that staying with that person would set the precedence for a life of pain, disappointment, and lack of trust in anyone or anything. I already had incredibly low self-esteem when I met this person to begin with and he was the icing on a very shitty cake.

By the time I met my first husband I was 23 and he was 30. I had my children with him and was married for 14 years. My alcoholism continued to escalate because that relationship cemented in me the fact that I was worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and not worth the dirt off of someone’s shoes. I was angry and I was hateful and I just gave up. I figured I would drink myself to death and it will all be over. I believed that this lifetime was just a horrible mistake, besides the birth of my daughters I had no good memories and certainly nothing to look forward to. In my mind it was over…I couldn’t find it within myself to change my perspective. I prayed for death…I prayed that it would come quickly and each morning when I woke up still awake I became even more depressed.

When I finally divorced my husband I rented an apartment with my 2 daughters. I feel sorry for them because they saw me in ways no child should have to see their mother. I can’t change that, but I did change the way I moved forward. I met a nice man, my current husband, and he too had his own unique blend of damage. It was through meeting him that I began to THINK about changing my life, I just didn’t know how. He inspired me to be a better mother for my children and a better woman for my own sake. I had no idea how to go about it but by exchanging stories and learning from each other I began to think maybe……just maybe I had a second chance in me….maybe.

After a 3 year long distant relationship I eventually moved to Arizona with my daughters. While my relationship with Leif was OK, we both were experiencing residual problems from our first marriages. He was married to his first wife for 17 years and he too has 2 children. What we have learned through our education to become Life Coaches is that until we resolve the initial incidents that caused the problems we currently have we are doomed to repeat the choices of the past. We will make the same benevolent choices over and over again and it doesn’t matter WHO we date, our behavior will naturally occur. To move forward and get into healthy, fulfilling, and long lasting relationships with quality people the changes must occur from within us.

The one thing I know just as equally as I know about addiction is love and the lack there of it. I know that the work I had to do over the past 2 years was paramount in my relationship recovery. I had to heal the broken parts of me before I could really see who I was AND where I wanted to go. My husband had to go through it as well to heal his issues. Then, together we learned to encapsulate the true essence of a loving, trusting marriage. The work is hard, and reliving some situations are painful but until we get dirty and really release those problems and those people we won’t have the relationships we want with anyone!

It isn’t just about having a happy marriage; relationship recovery is for all the relationships in your life including your children, your parents, co-workers and the general public. Only you can make the changes necessary for your success. You can’t hold the world hostage because of your previous experiences! Potential partners do not deserve what has happened to your, and they can’t be punished for your poor choices of the past and the damage you have received. That is OUR problem, not there’s and if we do treat each new person like our last partner..we will never find what we are looking for. It will only repeat itself time and time again!

Relationship Recovery is for all people in all phases of life and it doesn’t matter if you are married or single. It doesn’t matter if you have been married for 50 years or 5 minutes, the time to make those critical changes is now. If you’re single, this is a perfect time to address your personal issues and prepare yourself for a relationship that is worthy of you! Nothing will change until you do…..

To learn more see www.sacredcircleministry.com!

In Light!

Kristen

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Love Addiction with Co-Dependency

I heard it in the movie Juno that the best you can hope for is to “Find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.” Maybe it’s slightly paraphrased but you get the point. Isn’t that what we all want? To be accepted and loved for who we are; good, bad, or indifferent? How many of us go searching in all the wrong places for that? Or try to change ourselves to fit into the mold of what someone else wants? I mean, really think about it and your past experiences in relationships. How many people did you actually date that were interested in you for exactly who you were and didn’t have some kind of personal agenda?  I’m sure there are a few of you who have been blessed early in life with finding that ‘once in a lifetime’ partner and I applaud you, sincerely! I’m glad you haven’t had to experience the heartaches and disappointment many of us have felt. I know I have dated some guys that….for lack of a better term were TOTAL LOSERS!! I don’t even know what I was thinking sometimes. Onward….

I dated men that weren’t emotionally available, I dated men who didn’t like women very much. I dated men that didn’t even like themselves very much. In my first marriage I ultimately married a guy like that. I thought, love was all I needed. I believed that if I found the right guy that everything would be ok. I thought I could change him and once we got married we would have this happy little family and all the bad stuff will go away. I put up with so much bad behavior from my boyfriends and then my first husband that I cringe just thinking about it now. I loved the feeling of falling in love; meeting that new guy and having that connection, and I would look for it often. The only time I broke up with someone was because I already had another guy in the wings. If I got broken up with I’d be on the hunt that night looking or a new love so I would feel better. I was highly codependent; thinking that I could fix any man with any kind of problem if I loved him enough. I believed I could change into what ever he wanted.  But I never received any love back and couldn’t figure out why that was. I would ask myself “What is wrong with me?” Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Am I not good enough? I thought that if I became the perfect person that they would have to love me…..I thought love was the answer to everything and that if someone loved me enough and if I loved them that nothing else mattered.

I lost friends, rejected my family and lost interests in things that mattered to me. I allowed their world to become my world and took on behaviors that weren’t mine. I exchanged the person I was for the person they wanted me to be. I changed my style, my hair, my weight, and my image. I thought that if I were just “good enough” they would love me. When I was rejected (which was plenty of times) I took it to mean that there was something wrong with me, not that possibly the guy was a total a-hole, but that I had the problem. Can you imagine? Maybe some of you can resonate! I hurt so badly inside during these times, I just can’t believe that I was so desperate. I sacrificed my career, education, and chances to travel. I just lost any part of me that made Kristen who she was and I did it on purpose! I was out of control and my friends were just sick of me and my drama. Crazy with a booze bottle….that was me.

When I created this life coaching and hypnotherapy business I was so excited because I wanted to help so many people with afflictions such as mine. Yet as I began to lay out my business plan I saw just how screwed up in life I was. Truly. I mean, just look at my list of specialties!  How did I get this way? When did I loose my way in the world and end up with all of these problems? What kind of life plan did I lay out for myself before I came here because this lifetime has been a doozy. Maybe I am planning some kind of big  final exit. Maybe this is my last time coming around and I want to go out with a bang!! Yeah that’s it! I’m so glad I finally have a chance to heal my life, and heal those memories. It’s ok, because if I didn’t go through them I wouldn’t be able to help others who are suffering.

So what is Love Addiction and how do you know if you have it? It’s being addicted to that intoxicated feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting! It’s that rush that someone finds you interesting and you find them interesting. It can be a sexual attraction, and often Love and Sex Addiction goes hand in hand much like Love addiction and Co-dependency. Here is the best description I found from Love Addiction Treatment Center:

*“While the desire to love and be loved is perfectly normal, the intoxicating feeling of being “in love” can be addictive for some individuals. If you’ve ever been in love, you know how powerful it can be. Suddenly your world is completely turned upside down. You feel an excitement – an energy, if you will – that makes everything seem new and wonderful. Some people describe it as feeling like they were walking on air. It’s natural to want this euphoric feeling to last forever.

Of course, most people realize that the wonderful initial feeling of new love doesn’t (and can’t) last forever. In healthy long-term relationships, the initial love gradually gives way to a more mature love – one that is perhaps less intoxicating and euphoric, but ultimately much more fulfilling and stable. For those prone to love addiction, however, the loss of that initial euphoria is akin to the crash that drug addicts feel when their drug of choice wears off. They crave the “high” and begin the search for another fix. Love addicts are no different, which is why they often go from one relationship to the next once the initial high wears off.”

Do you think you have a Love Addiction with Co-Dependency issue?

• Do you fall in love easily and quickly?
• Do you think that you are nothing with out a partner?
• Do you base your self worth on the fact of having a partner or not?
• Do you get jealous and feel possessive easily?
• Do you find yourself dating anyone who asks you?
• Are you always looking for your next relationship?
• Do you sabotage your relationships just so you can start a new one?
• Do you search for high risk partners thinking your love can fix them?
• Do you stay in unhealthy relationships because you believe your love is enough for the both of you?
• Do you equate sex to love?
• If you have sex with someone do you now believe this is a relationship?
• Do you have sex with anyone who asks, thinking it is because they like/love you?
• Do you believe you are unlovable?
• Were you rejected early in life from your parents or caregivers?
• When you go on a date you immediately size the person up for marriage?
• Do you sacrifice friends and family for your partner?
• Partake in activities you know are dangerous just to make them happy? (drugs, alcohol, sex)
• You loose interest in your friends, activities, and job?
• Do your friends and family cringe every time you have a new “relationship”?
• Are you mentally and physically exhausted at the thought of leaving a bad relationship?
• Do you tolerate physical and verbal abuse because you think you deserve it?

If any of these symptoms ring true for you, you may be suffering from Love Addiction with Co-Dependency. Hypnotherapy and Coaching truly worked wonders for me by getting to the root of my problems. I had very low self esteem and self worth. It made such a difference in my second marriage. I was already on the road to healing when I met him but going through the training enabled me to shed the remaining parts of me that were not healthy. My second husband and I have been working very hard on our issues because we want a healthy, stable, and rewarding lifestyle!

Please visit my website at www.sacredcircleministry.com for a complete overview of services to see how we may be able to help you! You don’t have to live like this, it may be hard work to transform behaviors but it is so much more rewarding. Relationships are meant to be an additive or a compliment to who we are, not something to change us. However, in order to find someone to love us for exactly who we are, we have to be ready. By being ready means being healthy and leaving the other baggage behind. Until we change we will live the same pattern over and over wishing we will get better.

In light

Kristen

*From www.loveaddictiontreatment.com

 

Sex Addiction

I know a woman whose husband has a sex addiction. Being all too familiar with addiction as it is, I was moved to ask some questions. Since addiction is my specialty I wanted to further interview her and understand the reality behind it, from both of their perspectives. I know that was a big buzz word in the 80’s suddenly everyone who seemingly couldn’t control their impulses cried out they have this addiction. It became a national phenomenon to be a sex addict and that was an instant “get out of jail free” card. Evangelists on television, politicians, actresses and actor’s began to appear on Good Morning America and even the Tonight Show bearing their souls to the world that the reason they got caught having an affair was because they were a sex addict. We were wooed into forgiving them…..really? How convenient, I thought, as I began to question my self and the nature of my own sexuality as compared to my other addictions. I thought, how can someone be addicted to sex; was it the act, the thrill of the chase, the fear of being caught, what was so addictive? Sure I love sex and with the right person it can be off the hook but an addict? What exactly makes one a sex addict?

Over all, addiction occurs when a void is not being fulfilled. There is something that the DOC (drug of choice) fills for the person that they don’t normally get elsewhere. It causes euphoria, stimuli, excitement, a rush, some kind of feeling that is unique to that individual. Most of us have something we really like a lot and wish we could do it all the time but have the means to control ourselves. But people with addictive behaviors and tendencies have a different chemical make up, and often outside influences occur such as opportunity, surroundings, and their own self esteem. Scientifically it begins in the Limbic System of the brain. The Limbic System contains the brain’s reward circuit – it links together a number of brain structures that control and regulate our ability to feel pleasure. Feeling pleasure motivates us to repeat behaviors such as eating – actions that are critical to our existence. The limbic system is activated when we perform these activities – and also by drugs of abuse. In addition, the limbic system is responsible for our perception of other emotions, both positive and negative, which explains the mood-altering properties of many drugs. It is a genetic predisposition to a certain feeling that triggers brain cells to respond favorably to that stimuli (1).

There are 2 kinds of addiction: physical and psychological. For instance for people using opiates and heroin it quickly becomes a physical addiction because the pain receptors in the brain become filled with the opiate and it feels so good. Then the brain begins it craves it and that causes severe physical responses such as withdrawals until the body receives the drug. Opiate addiction progresses at a startling rate regardless of whether or not the person wants the drug. Alcohol and other drugs such as benzodiazepine (benzos or xanax) can cause the same type of symptoms. Drugs like marijuana are more psychological; it causes psychological cravings and causes it’s user to think they need it. There really isn’t a physical dependency to it per say.

So then, what causes a person to be addicted to sex? My friend has been married for quite a while and they are in a 12 Step Program for it. She attends the “support” part of it like Alanon or Naranon,and she said the place was packed. Many there had partners that “fell off the wagon” during the holiday season. The pressure of the holidays, expectations, and money causes the sex addict to act just like an other ordinary addict to act. They go to their DOC to fill that void of what ever it is missing for them! Just like I used to do. I happen to volunteer time on a world wide website coaching individuals with any kind of addiction you can think of. They hooked me up with another website with a few members who had this particular issue. Right at the start they were very forthright! Most said it was the rush, the orgasm, that feeling of release, or relief. Sex triggered something in them that causes them to repeat that sensation over and over again, sometimes up to a dozen times a day with multiple partners. I was impressed; 12 times a day?

There was as many men as women; some as young as 18 others in their 60’s. I’d say about 20 percent didn’t have a sexual preference, it was just about the act and nothing more. Some of the women I spoke with were molested as children or sexually assaulted early in life. Some of the men said they didn’t receive any attention as children, they were abused or neglected and sex made them feel special, attractive, and wanted. That was another running undercurrent; the need to feel wanted and loved.

They know I am writing this article and every single one said that it is the most misunderstood of all the addictions and brings the most shame. They are racked with guilt, embarrassment, ridicule, very low self esteem and self worth. Most are single and multiple times divorced. They often have other addictions and disorders to coincide such as bulimia, anorexia, and cutting themselves. They have been casted out of their homes, family has abandoned them. One woman I spoke to said it is very hard to make friends and many doctors don’t buy it, she felt suicidal many times. I admit I was skeptical too but not anymore.

Having and developing normal healthy attitudes about sex are good, and when under the right circumstances it can be an amazing experience. But for some, it turns into a nightmare. If you or anyone you know has these symptoms (this is the general list) there is help available: Sex Addicts Anonymous https://saa-recovery.org/ is a 12 Step Program.

Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction:

• Sex dominates a person’s life
• Being pre-occupied with sexual thoughts and fantasy
• Excessive self-satisfaction
• Multiple partners, buying prostitutes, exchanging favors for sex
• Random, unprotected sex
• Anonymous partners
• Lack of intimacy
• The need to leave right after sex
• Can be narcissistic
• Multiple cell phones, computer user accounts, and bank accounts
• Phone sex, dating websites, cyber sex
• Not all, but some sex addicts can progress to becoming violent, demanding, and turn to criminal activities such as sexual harassment at work, rape, exposing themselves.

There were literally thousands on this site from all over the world: all nationalities, religions, and income levels. Just like with every other addiction no one is more special than the next. In my times of using/drinking I would have to say guilt and shame were my biggest obstacles, I would wake up in the morning just reeling with guilt for being so drunk the night before. I was so ashamed of myself for being a mom and me kids seeing me like that sometimes. For years I suffered with that. I would be so worried about what I said, what I did, was I in inappropriate? I had incredibly dangerous actions, drunk driving being the least, if you can imagine. We really aren’t any different then our fellow addict; be it booze, gambling, or sex. It’s a compulsion we can’t control and need help to get it under control.

There is so much in this world that we don’t know, thank God to those who open up and be honest so we do know!

Thank you, you know who you are!!

In Light,

~Kristen

1.http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain