The Power of Hypnosis

Being a Hypnotherapist I am fortunate to be a part of a client’s spiritual awakening or personal discovery. I love that aspect of being a part of their process and how they allow me to be there, facilitating this incredible journey! What a blessing I have! Well, yesterday I went to go see my teacher, Linda Bennett at South West Institute of Healing Arts. I was ready to experience Hypnosis on a higher level. I have been having some residual issues in my life and I wanted them gone. I was able to process out most of my problems through schooling but a few little things are still hanging on. We are never truly “done” healing in life. Linda is our mentor, teacher, and person who painted the picture of the power of Hypnosis. She has been studying and doing Hypnotherapy for about 25 years I believe. She is truly a magical, Spiritual Be-Ing.

Now, when I met Linda I was a bit intimidated. I was so new to all this kind of spiritual work I felt like a fish way out of water. I began my Hypnosis classes scratching my head thinking “I just don’t get this”. Linda would kindly say “Don’t worry, you will”. I kept waiting for that day even into Hypno III. I couldn’t grasp my mind around how the Subconscious worked right away and how we have the ability to access the information stored there from this life time and the previous ones. To become a Clinical Hypnotherapist you need to have 300 hours of classes in various techniques and styles. You also have to attain the knowledge of what to do during sessions if something goes wrong. Not that it goes “wrong” per say but people can have abreactions, or things that happen to them during a session. They may cry, they may call out, they may get up, they may do all kinds of things. We just don’t know ahead of time so we have to be prepared to handle these situations. There are a lot of classes we have to take in preparation for our certification:

• Past Life Regression
• Fears, Phobias, Addictions
• Subconscious Intervention
• Spirit Release
• Pain Management
• Weight Management
• Smoking Cessation
• Script Writing
• Dreams and Metaphors
• Hypnosis Clinic

In these classes we all get to practice on each other and while it’s beneficial it isn’t the same as getting a professional session. I had great moments of self discovery and healing, I still lacked that A-HA moment. When I originally booked my appointment with Linda I decided to work on some business blocks I had. At the last minute I decided to work these other things. In true Hypnosis fashion we don’t talk about the story just the symptom and how it is currently showing up in my life. What is happening when these feelings are occurring and what reactions do they bring up for me? That’s it, nothing more, and a few minutes later I’m stretched out on the chair in a light trance. She took me through Past Life Regression where I went through 3 lifetimes (that is some crazy stuff right there) and how these feeling’s effected me in those lifetimes. She was regressing me back and back in time to find out where the Original Sensitizing Event (OSE) occurred, the moment that my Subconscious mind became aware of these feelings. What caused it? When did first have those feelings? We couldn’t find it in those lifetimes, but we found the same reactions I was having.

Linda regressed me back to the beginning of THIS lifetime, and I saw myself, other spirits and she had me ask them what was my purpose here this time? What lessons did I plan on learning? I saw myself in spirit form it is incredibly crazy to see yourself and others like that. It was so amazing and breathtaking to see what the Other Side looks like!! I have seen glimpses, I have seen spirits, and I have had my Guides speak to me bit NOTHING compared to this, I still can’t believe what I saw…and how we communicated! That is for a different day.

After a series of events and questions it came down to the fact of me wanting to experience Love, I wanted to know what Love was. So I designed events that would cause me to learn that no matter what Love, is all that matters. If you don’t understand what that means read the book The Little Soul by Neale Donald Walsh, it explains everything in detail.

My life has been filled with so much pain, my heart broken again and again and I always wondered what kind of mess did I get myself into in this lifetime? The experiences I had that caused my heart to break caused me to experience unpleasant  feelings about a lot of things. I was beginning to question myself, question Spirit, question this whole existence. I was a strong, intelligent women with these silly issues hanging around. I discovered I am at the height of my Spiritual awakening and now is when everything will make sense. It is my understanding that before we come down here (earth or this realm) we sit with our Creator, the Angels, and our Spirit Guides to discuss and plan our Spiritual Purpose. We all have a purpose, no one has been born in vain, We may have gotten side tracked, we may have been led off our path but Spirit ALWAYS finds a way to bring us back. That nagging feeling about things, that sudden shift in thought, that brilliant new idea, that waking up in the morning deciding to do something different feeling is all Spirit getting your attention!! I thought I was lost forever. For years I felt like my life was a mistake, I felt like a joke and I felt like there was no way in the world I could ever be happy. I felt like I was being punished for something I didn’t know about. For al the work I have done in the past year and a half I still felt insecure and part of me was feeling undeserving. Why? Why couldn’t I shake those remaining feelings? What I found out during that session was I am exactly where I need to be…

That is the power of Hypnosis. In a 60 minute session we went into 3 lifetimes, up to the Heavens 2 times and had a little chit chat with my Guides and other helpful spirits,and back down to earth for the final wrap up. I wasn’t ready before yesterday, I wasn’t in the right place to hear those words that were told to me. To see Spirit on the other side; so pure, so clean and so full of love was just the medicine my little heart needed. Not only do I know why I have had these residual feelings, but I also know my life purpose and WHY I have had the life I do. I essentially planned it that way. When I saw myself on the Other Side in spirit form I was an amazingly excited spirit to come down here. We were all hooping and hollering and getting ready for the journey. My Guides reminded me of my decisions before coming here, and it warmed my heart and I was moved to tears. It gave me the courage I needed to keep going and doing the work of helping others discovering these amazing possibilities. Thank you Linda……

What a blessing! I am charged up and ready to go! I just wanted to share what a recent hypnosis session can be like. They aren’t all the same, but they can certainly bring something to the table we did not know before. It can be an intimidating or perplexing thought to go inside our Subconscious and root around for answers and ideas.Having the ability to be open minded, having a facilitator you can trust, and have the willingness to ACCEPT what you learn can be the key to turning your life around in ways that nothing else can. I invite you to be daring, to be excited, and to be willing to see what has been missing from your life!!

In light

Kristen

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Trust

How trusting are you in your life? Do you feel insecure and have low self esteem? Do you get jealous easily? Do you feel like you can’t believe what people tell you? Have you been cheated on and lied to? What led you to not having trust in your life? Would you be interested in learning how to get it back, even if it meant some hard work?

I have had problems with trust for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from my childhood and living in such an unstable environment. My father was an alcoholic and he literally drank every day of my life until I was 18 years old. I never felt stable, or secure, I always felt uneasy and not knowing what was going to happen next. Those memories haunt me until today. I say haunts because my memories feel like ghosts just hanging out that I can’t send back to the light.

Growing up a I had a few boyfriends but one guy became the love of my life as a teenager. I never really had anyone to love or say “I love you’ to me like that. I felt like love was something I would never experience so when he told me that he loved me I believed him. We were together for a few years. We were two peas in a pod and totally inseparable. Then he cheated on me, not once but several times. He even cheated on me with my best friend and probably more people than I care to know. I forgave him, and I forgave him again. My friends and family thought I was crazy but I thought if I loved him enough he wouldn’t cheat on me. I felt like it was all my fault. I did everything I could; I always dressed nice, I kept myself thin, I was athletic, I was very sexual and adventurous, and I always thought of him first. None of it mattered. He was a cheater and I found out that 30 years later he is still is….. and he has a 3rd wife.

I had a string of just less than good relationships that I am not even going to go into. But the final straw was when I dated another guy who was also an alcoholic he also slept with ANOTHER friend of mine. The hits just kept coming. I felt like the biggest LOSER God ever created so I packed up my stuff and moved to California. That’s when I really got into trouble, that’s when I really started with the drugs. I did not want to feel anything or anyone I just wanted to be as stoned, as stoned could be. No lie, I just packed it up and shipped it out. I had enough of Detroit and I was moving on.

I was lonely and desperate using drugs at an early age because I needed comfort. I needed a safe place to fall. I also looked to men for that comfort and while I was fun for them to play around with, they fell short on the commitment side. I truly was looking for love in all the wrong places. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong with these men!  What I learned later was the choices in men that I made, not what I did wrong. I was so far down emotionally I wasn’t in the right mindset to place value on myself. I didn’t know I was really a good person and deserved to be treated nicely and with respect. I thought I deserved all of the mistreatment I had received.

I kicked the drugs and came back to Michigan, and I met my first husband. Out of the frying pan and RIGHT into the fire. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, he was an older guy, good looking, had plenty of money and loved to party. I married him and while he was always faithful and never cheated on me, his verbal abuse killed off any self esteem and security I had left. After a few years into the relationship I felt so bad about myself I didn’t believe anyone would want me. I dove deeper and deeper into alcohol desperately trying to kill any nerve ending that was exposed so I would not have to feel any more pain. I would drink myself to sleep every night until I passed out, I couldn’t stand to be awake. There were times I still prayed for death because death would have been so much better.

After the divorce I had NO trust or faith in men or women. I didn’t have any hope in myself or even in my outlook. I was truly hope-less. I worked a job every day, struggled to feed my kids, and just still prayed for death because that would be the relief I so desperately needed from this life. Then things began to change. I met a man, who is now my husband, who had equally the same amount of damage but in different ways. We had a long distance relationship so we spent HOURS talking on the phone about our lives, our marriages, and our situations. Gradually, through sharing stores and developing a relationship we began to heal big chunks of ourselves.

Fast forward today and I am much stronger and healthier than what I was…except for one little thing. Trust. I still can not seem to let myself trust on a level that would allow me to live a much more meaningful life. I worry, I get in my own way, and I wish it would stop. I wish I could just wake up and ENJOY the day and not have these worries and thoughts. I wish I could feel more confident.

I have found great strength much improvement through Hypnotherapy, in particular Subconscious Intervention. By way of hypnotic trance I was actually able to go back and have a conversation with my father and ask him questions about why he was the way he was. I found our he was doing the best he could based on the information he had at the time. He had his own problems in childhood and he truly was acting out of what he knew. Just like I did, I was drunk almost every single day of my kids lives until they were 16, so I understood. I also learned that the men in my life who hurt me did so because I allowed it. I had co-dependency issues, love addiction, alcoholism, and I was a mess! I hug out with people who were in the same boat as me.

Thee are so many healing possibilities with Hypnotherapy! If you are ready to take a step forward in your life and begin to look at these ghosts you have hanging around, Hypnotherapy offers so many different ways of achieving that. Please visit my website at http://sacredcircleministry.com and look into the Hypnotherapy area. You can learn ways to release those feelings and gain incredible insight into your life. No matter how far down you are, and I was down, you can get back up again, you can have a beautiful life!!

The damage did not get there over night and it will not leave over night. I know there are many of you with stories similar and much worse than mine. I believe by sharing my stories I will show that there are ways to get better, ways you may not have ever thought about. If you or someone you know is having problems moving forward in life, please send them to my website! Thank you!

In light,

Kristen

 

What Exactly Is a Life Coach? (part 2)

Fast forward just over a year, I’ve now completed the Life Coaching program, completed the Clinical Hypnotherapy program and successfully became an Ordained Minister!  Yes, during the process of the past 18 months I took a course in Spiritual Studies and became a minister. Not a “holy” minister per say but more like a Celebrant, or a person who does their work from a spiritual sense. I now believe in a Higher Power. I was at such a crisis during my ordination because I had this intense Calling to do so, although I didn’t have a particular path to follow. My current teachers assured me that this was ok, it was on it’s way, and that I was at the point of a spiritual awakening. This is just an incredible twist!  I was sitting in school last Spring in one of my psychology classes and I heard a voice that said “People need you, become ordained, it’s the only way you will be able to do it.” I kept saying “I’m not sure about my beliefs in God/Spirit! I think you have the wrong person here!” There was no way anyone or any Spirit would be asking ME to become ordained, I’m sorry. The only way I can explain it was afterwards a silent knowing had been placed inside me. Somehow I knew God/Spirit will speak to me again when the time is right and I will know the path to choose. I believe right now He is more interested in me developing my faith in Him, period.

A few weeks have past and there was some scuttle going around that my original teacher, Richard Seaman owner and creator of Seattle Life Coach Training, would be facilitating the Advanced Life Coaching class on this particular weekend at SWIHA. I looked at my schedule and breathed a sigh of relief! I had Reiki scheduled that weekend, no problem! I am off the hook! I was afraid of Richard, I allowed myself to be intimidated and I didn’t  feel that I could be myself in his class. I know now it was because I was hiding myself. Several of my friends were anxiously chatting about Richard coming to teach the class and they wanted me to join them and I said  “No, I have Reiki, sorry!” Secretly, I was smiling inside, thinking Thank God, I can’t face this right now. I can’t face Richard and have him know I have been a failure in my coaching. Not that he would care and make me feel bad, but my insecurities began to flow in like a river out of control. Fear welled up in my throat and I just wanted to run. I wanted to run as fast as I could from school and never come back. There were things I knew I had not addressed in school to heal from and they were holding me back, I knew this, I knew that they would be exposed in this class and I was not ready. I thought I could still have a successful business by not ‘coming clean’ all the way. See, if you don’t take care of your own stuff, how dare you think you can help someone with theirs. That is a coaching motto. I thought I did enough work so I could manage. I think I was wrong…

As the date crept closer, a school administrator and I were talking in another class when she mentioned to me that Richard would be coming back to teach. I told her about my Reiki class and how unfortunate the whole situation was and I couldn’t make it. She looked at me and said “Reiki comes around all the time, who cares!” She went on to say “Richard may not be coming back to teach this, you can take Reiki any old time.” Ugh. That shot through the heart and I almost choked on my own lack of air. This sickening feeling ensued me and I felt the world was slipping away. Horror grasped my body and I sat there suddenly realizing that I have to slay the beast! Not Richard but my fear. The next day I called my guidance counselor and reluctantly asked to be put on the list.

As the day drew closer I began to have anxiety, doubt, fear, pain, and bad memories of that first Life Coaching weekend. What if it was terrible again? What if I were embarrassed again? On that fateful Friday, I saw Richard in the hallway; he looked great, like a friendly face from the past. We chatted for a moment and I began to feel calm, like ok, maybe this will be alright. As the clock ticked and the minutes passed I sat in my seat over thinking all of the reasons why I shouldn’t be in this class and why I should run out the door. Panic swooped over me and held me tight, I almost started crying. I felt like I would be exposed for being a fake and that I really wasn’t a life coach, I was a failure. I lied, I hadn’t dealt with my demons, I have been keeping those last secrets in my chest, holding them close to me heart so no one could see….I hadn’t earned the right to truly help others.

Class began and as Richard spoke I felt my panic beginning to ease, I felt that possibly this wasn’t going to be so bad. I felt myself starting to relax and actually enjoy the class. I was paired up with a fabulous coach and I will blog about that incident another day. Every single person I interacted with was amazing! I told myself going in that I am laying down all my cards and expect the best. I am looking for peace of mind and a true transformational experience. I approached each exercise like it was my last. I threw my heart and soul into each session I coached and dumped out the rest of my baggage for my coach. It was a win/win! I felt happy and hopeful. I felt like maybe this whole Life Coaching thing wasn’t so bad, maybe I could be a good coach. Ok, so maybe not that far yet but I was thinking about it.

As the weekend progressed I saw a different side of Richard, he wasn’t intimidating as he was inviting. He invited us, rather highly encouraged us to let it all go, to not be afraid and do the work ourselves first! He admitted his own short-comings, his own mistakes, and his own ego incidents. He appeared human and humble and not what I had made up in my mind. He was inspiring us to find faith in our selves and trust our God/Universe/Spirit to do the work with our clients. He coached us into getting into connection with Spirit and let it fill us up. We don’t have to have the answers, we only need the questions and if we have enough faith the right questions will appear. That is what a Transformational Life Coach is; someone who is open to their Higher Power, being present, and asking the questions the client needs to hear in order make profound change. Wow! I wasn’t in the right place to understand that the first time around. My goodness, Thank goodness I went to the class.

The last exercise of the weekend was the best, I won’t give away too many details but it involves blindfolds, the dark, and faith. Richard is a man of Spirit; he works in synchronization with the Divine. Like a watchful father he sees his children’s fear and he shares his own to demonstrate we are not alone. He is caring yet passionately driven to see his students reach their highest potential. He is tough yet advantageous. This part of the class was the missing puzzle piece I so desperately needed to experience. For the first time I had that “AH-A” moment. I felt Spirit for the first time in my life and as I did I realized that at this moment, nothing else mattered. Whatever we had done in the past is over. I faced my fear and was set free. I am finally free. We were all hugging, crying, talking about Spirit being in the house, and Divine appointments etc. Only this time I was doing most of the talking (smile). I got it, I finally got it.

Richard did something very surprising, he acknowledged my achievements in front of the class. He noticed I wasn’t just ‘in my head’.He saw how hard I had been working and that our class time was not in vain. I began my journey with him and for the most part I am ending with him. How grateful am I to have this teacher, this experience, in fact I am grateful for ALL of my teachers! I can’t believe how good I feel this week, it’s like night and day! In the coming weeks I will be writing about some of my other teachers and classmates and the impressions they have left on me.

Thank you Richard, blessings on your continued journey!

~Kristen

Next: Stepping up and Stepping Out…….

 

10 Ways to End Gossip and Heal Your Soul!!

Have you ever had anyone gossip about you? Ever have someone spread untrue stories about you, and make your life miserable?  I believe it is an actual assault on our character and it doesn’t matter if it is true or not because it still does damage, sometimes damage that can not be repaired. When you are gossiped about your surroundings can becomes a scary place, you suddenly don’t know who you can trust and even those closest to you can become suspect. It creates fear and worry and depending on the type and amounted talk going on, it can downright ruin someone’s life. People have even been known to take their own life. Look at the stories of school kids being tormented so much they would rather die than be talked about so much. I feel that is extreme, yes, but it wasn’t to the person living it. When we choose to create lies, listen to lies, and spread lies we are actively taking a part in a person’s demise, whether we intend to or not, it is what happens.

Gossip is just like most addictive behavior; it stems from people with low self esteem and low self worth. They feel better by making people feel as bad as they do. They get a response from the pleasure part of the brain in the Limbic system, encouraging them to continue the behavior. When they make someone feel bad, they feel good. People that are addicted to gossip usually have some kind of emotional or physical challenge that doesn’t make them feel very good about themselves. It can be anything from being over weight to having acne to not being a good driver. It really doesn’t matter what the cause of it the action is, it still elicits’ the same behavior.

Now, what is unique about gossip addiction as opposed to alcohol and drug addiction is initially the substance abusing individual isn’t hurting anyone but themselves. Their dependency eventually grows until it effects everyone around them. With gossip addiction it begins as an all out war on every individual they seem worthy of their abuse. It’s only when it backfires and people become aware of them and their work does the addict feel it.  They can go long periods without feeling the direct effect of their work and often they have more than one individual that they are actively gossiping about a time. When they are finally found out it can be an incredibly explosive dramatic situation.

Gossip addicts like to recruit other people into their addiction as well, they usually look for people who have even lower self esteem than themselves. This gives the addict a sense of power and a sense of control.  They often threaten the weaker individual and question their loyalty constantly. The unsuspecting recruit is often afraid of the gossip addict, has minimal friends, and is scared to speak up for themselves or anyone else. They find a sense of safety and companionship with the addict and can act as a spy or are always on the look out to bring back news about the person they are talking about. This creates a reward response in the helper and since they are already so far down this feels good to them, that someone is noticing them and they feel loved. This is quite similar to a domestic violence situation; the abused seeks affirmation from the abuser.

The gossip addict can ultimately collect quite a few individuals in their group in a relatively short time. They are usually new in town, new at a job, or new in the area for some reason. They move from one situation to the next looking for people because they are ran out of so many other locations once they are found out about. They tend to be loners until they get their little group going.

There are varying degrees of gossip addiction and each has it’s own harmful characteristics. Some are office spy’s who love to tell the boss what everyone is up to and saying about them. There may be the community ‘watch dog’ spreading gossip about the neighbors and what goes on in their homes. It could be at the kids school; meddling staff with information they aren’t supposed to share. Other parents who gossip are within their clicks. It can even be in your own family with a member who just has it out for you, everyone is afraid to confront them because of their bullying behavior. It doesn’t matter where it is or who it is, it is the damage that they feel compelled to create in order to feel better about themselves. In the United state it is an overwhelming amount of gossip addiction. 1 in every 3 people have a problem with keeping their mouths shut! Have you seen Facebook? The celebrity gossip shows? Your neighborhood? Your workplace??

My question is who is responsible for their actions? Who is responsible for the fall out they cause? Depending on what the gossip is about someone may lose their job, which could result in complete financial devastation and even homelessness.  It can cause severe problems in a family that marriages and family bonds can be broken forever. Parents can be threatened to have their kids taken away. Don’t scoff I know someone that is happening to right now and she is having a lawsuit against them. Ex-spouses partners sometimes start gossip; they feel betrayed, left out, or dumped and lash out not realizing the damage they are doing is ultimately to their own children.

How do you get a gossip addict to treatment? Good question, I haven’t found a treatment center yet, I say yet because it may be a possibility. Until then there are a few things you can do to protect yourself and not set yourself up to be gossiped about. If you personally feel that you are being gossiped about or your reputation and ethics are being discussed you have the right to know. By getting to the core of the situation quickly and effectively can hopefully negate a bulk of the damage.

One point I would like to stress deeply:

If you know that someone  that is being talked about in negative and potentially hurtful ways, please find a way to let the person know what is happening immediately. Keeping silent is no different than the gossiper.

Ask the person in question whether the stories are true, don’t take opinions and thoughts of others as truth. We don’t know their agenda, we don’t know why they are speaking these things. If children are repeating information, and it is not a child abuse situation, ask one or both of the parents if the story is true! Taking the word of a child with out asking the parents for confirmation can only lead to deeper problems. Children can have their own motive for causing trouble too. I learned that in one of my classes, especially in divorce cases.

10 Ways to End Gossip and Heal Your Soul

1. First of all take a good look at yourself. Is anything they are saying have an air of truth to it? Are you always late for work? Do you take advantage of your friends? Are you disrespectful to family members? Take an emotional inventory on yourself and see if you are giving anyone a reason to be talking.

2. Clean up your act. If you have pieces of information just hanging out there online, clean up your digital dirt. Anything you have done online can still be found. Don’t give anyone any unnecessary fuel. DO NOT advertise your family or personal problems online. Don’t announce you’re fighting with your partner, you hate your job or boss, or how you hate your family. Just keep it light….keep it social.

3.  Don’t gossip yourself. Mind your own business, and make sure your family does the same. If there are children in the home instruct them to not talk about personal matters that go on in your home, especially between the parents. If mom and dad are having problems that is not the information to share with others.

3. If other family members or ex spouses/partners are ASKING for information from the kids, remind your children that personal matters between the parents such as the relationship, arguing,  finances, and other things are not to be discussed with others. If the children feel that they are always being pumped for information ask them to tell you first and you will handle it because you are an adult.

5. If it is made known to you that the children are being asked for information address the situation immediately!  Make it known that this behavior will not be tolerated for any reason. If it continues then set a consequence and stick to it. Make sure the children aren’t “in trouble” with the other parent over this.

6. At the workplace, always conduct yourself accordingly and don’t feed the fire. Do your best always, don’t be late, don’t take people’s food, and don’t talk about your boss or management to anyone! Keep your area clean and efficient, be sure to be a positive team member, and honor the rules of the workplace. Don’t show up thinking the rules don’t apply to you and you can get away with things. Cute only goes so far, especially with other women. Keep your mouth shut and do your best.

7. Make it known that you are aware of talk going on and you are on a mission to find out who it is from and what it is in regards to. I know some professionals may say to just let it go, and that may work some of the time, but often it just keeps getting worse. Like with bullying, if you don’t address it, the damage may not  be repairable later. Once you make it known you know, people begin to get really nervous and it may inadvertently “out’ the perpetrator.

8. Be prepared. Often gossip involves lies stemming from people who think they know something, or have been told something they think is the truth. Of course it has been salted and peppered along the way so it may be really skewed by the time it reaches you. What may have been one single circumstance has grown into a nightmare of epic proportion. It may be painful that anyone even believed that about you, and didn’t ask you first, they just believed it…..

9. The gossip may be turn out to be true. The result of your past and a life you have left far behind is now showing up. It may be twisted a little and exaggerated or parts changed but you still recognize it as being true. Well, at least it is out now. It is no more a secret. Depending on the severity of it and the circumstances involved it may involve some painful conversations you hadn’t planned on yet, if ever.  You can enlist a professional to help you with that process, if necessary.

A Coach can bring in a whole family and allow for open and honest dialogue in a safe and loving manner. Before you get too upset know that we have all done things we are not proud of and many of us are NOT the same person we were before. You may find it incredibly healing to address the truth and deal with it properly. Sometimes the things we think are the worst, often aren’t as bad as we imagined.

10. Moving forward. After the smoke has cleared and the truth is out and all the people involved are discovered you can look at all the cards laid out on the table, so to speak. Working with a Life Coach can help you not only heal from the experience but learn from it. What type of lesson has this taught us? How has our Soul benefitted? You may find tremendous relief to release this burden and finally let it go. Forgive yourself, find it in your heart to forgive those who played a part. You don’t have to invite them back into your life, but don’t keep them bound to you by holding a grudge.

Going through a process like this may seem daunting and people are always tempted to sweep things under the rug. Sweeping things under the rug just results in a bigger lump under the rug, it doesn’t go anywhere, it just keeps getting bigger. Taking back control of your life and showing there is accountability for negative actions taken against you is often enough to stop the behavior. This continues to build our self esteem and self worth, it opens dialogue with people in ways that can bring healing and happiness to your life again.

Blessings!

Kristen

 

Setting Boundaries and Other Uncomfortable Things

What are Boundaries, exactly? Boundaries are clear, precise, unwavering lines drawn in the sand around you that let’s other people know how you engage in the world, how you expect to be treated, and what the ramifications are if those boundaries are not met. Now, I know that sounds kind of harsh and highly uncomfortable but that quintessentially is what boundaries are about. They let people know right off the bat what is allowed by you and what is not. It isn’t a license to act like a fool and think you can call the shots and not take responsibility, veritably, it is the exact act of taking responsibility for your actions and making others accountable for their actions. Boundaries state how you expect to be treated, how you treat people in return, and what are the consequences for their actions. If we don’t have at least some kind of thought about how we want to be treated and what is acceptable and what is not then it gives people free reign to walk all over you. You are allowing it to happen and it will continue to happen until you create healthy and effective boundaries.

One of the biggest obstacles I faced in sobriety and even more so in my drinking is that I didn’t have healthy limitations with people. I said and did things I am not proud of. I engaged in behavior that was not cool and I hurt people. I also allowed myself to become almost like a doormat; I allowed people to mistreat me and  I accepted the abuse. I almost expected it. I had been treated badly by men my whole life what was one more? I had unhealthy boundaries’ at my jobs as well; out of scarcity I allowed myself to be worked into the ground like a dog. I let my bosses talk to me like shit and then gobble up the scraps they fed me because I felt like I had to. I stayed with a boyfriend who cheated on me repeatedly because I felt that I was doing something wrong to make him cheat. Do you know that it is 30 years later and when I spoke to him last he was cheating on his 3rd wife!  I stayed in an unhealthy marriage because I couldn’t see that I was worth more. I let “friends’’’ use me because I was too afraid of not having any.

Lately, I have allowed a whole bunch of activity, from multiple arena’s, to go on because I didn’t stand up for  myself from the beginning. I have felt that I would be causing trouble for someone else, I kept hoping it would just stop, but it has gotten so much worse. I have allowed myself to be talked about like some kind of 2.00 whore that was dragged in off the street. That’s the heart of it, I allowed myself to experience all of these things, because I did not have clear, precise, unwavering lines drawn in the sand saying what is acceptable and what is not. This is a huge step in my spiritual and personal growth albeit a painful one. I know that God/The Universe is guiding me to address this situation once and for all.

Now you may ask “What do I do carry around a 3×5 card and hand it to people and say hey, this is how I want o be treated?” Well, not exactly but kind of! I have a whole coaching session for boundaries but this is a good starter exercise. I recommend doing this after the anger and hurt has subsided some, but allow for a little of the passion to resonate. Let’s begin with your biggest boundary issue. Sit and think what about your current situation is bothering you. Begin writing out what has happened and why you feel the way you do. Begin your list by writing all the things you don’t like about it and how it makes you feel.Then begin thinking about your own character and how you show up in the world, what is it people see and experience through you? What about you needs some adjusting? Write down those ideas too. Nothing is ever all someone else’s fault. Make a list of the ways you want to shift your thinking, what thoughts empower you, what make you feel good about yourself? Write down all your emotions.

Then on a nice piece of paper, or even a 3×5 card if you wish write down your boundaries. For example;

• I will not allow “———–“ to say those things to me anymore and if she does then “———-“ is going to happen.
• I will not allow my” ————-“ to scream and holler at me in front of people anymore and if they do”………” will happen.
• I will not allow”————-“ to damage my life through gossip and lies and if it continues”—————“ will happen.

For this to be effective you must create a consequence you know you will follow through on or else it won’t work. They will call your bluff, immediately! You have to create an action you know you can deliver. I know it is so hard. I know it’s easier to just say ‘Oh well it’s ok  bla, bla bla…” Enough, it’s time to get tough and let them know you are serious. You don’t have to scream at them, but it may require working past your comfort level. You may feel a huge stretch as you step even further into your greatness, but God/The Universe is with you every step of the way. May I suggest prayer, or meditation, or some kind of focal exercise to create and enact the process,

Once complete tape it to your bathroom mirror or kitchen cabinet. Make a copy an put it in your car. Put one in your purse, in your wallet, anywhere you can see it, place a copy. The more the Mind sees it and hears it, it begins to believe it. It can be a terrifying encounter the first time you step up to the plate. You can state your case calmly and clearly and be prepared for a whole lot of emotion from that person or group of people. Often, they may not be aware of their actions or they get angry and upset because they got caught. You don’t have to go into any great explanations just state your feelings. You may even want to practice with a friend to gain confidence. In time your faith and self esteem will build but it’s a start to stop the madness as I call it.

It’s kind of like Al-Anon for the alcoholic or drug addict during an Intervention. If they don’t choose sobriety then they are cut out of the the family and left to fend for themselves. That encourages the addict to seek treatment in rehab faster because now they have no support. Creating boundaries encourages others to treat you with respect because if they don’t there are consequences to pay. When people see you changing, they then are forced into change and it causes a ripple effect out in the Universe. It causes other people to treat you with respect as well and it grows and grows and grows until you are healthy, happy and confident! It takes time but it does happen! You didn’t get in this position overnight, you will not solve it overnight either.

People do not have to like you, but they do not have the right to disrespect you. Ever.

In light,

Kristen

 

Sex Addiction

I know a woman whose husband has a sex addiction. Being all too familiar with addiction as it is, I was moved to ask some questions. Since addiction is my specialty I wanted to further interview her and understand the reality behind it, from both of their perspectives. I know that was a big buzz word in the 80’s suddenly everyone who seemingly couldn’t control their impulses cried out they have this addiction. It became a national phenomenon to be a sex addict and that was an instant “get out of jail free” card. Evangelists on television, politicians, actresses and actor’s began to appear on Good Morning America and even the Tonight Show bearing their souls to the world that the reason they got caught having an affair was because they were a sex addict. We were wooed into forgiving them…..really? How convenient, I thought, as I began to question my self and the nature of my own sexuality as compared to my other addictions. I thought, how can someone be addicted to sex; was it the act, the thrill of the chase, the fear of being caught, what was so addictive? Sure I love sex and with the right person it can be off the hook but an addict? What exactly makes one a sex addict?

Over all, addiction occurs when a void is not being fulfilled. There is something that the DOC (drug of choice) fills for the person that they don’t normally get elsewhere. It causes euphoria, stimuli, excitement, a rush, some kind of feeling that is unique to that individual. Most of us have something we really like a lot and wish we could do it all the time but have the means to control ourselves. But people with addictive behaviors and tendencies have a different chemical make up, and often outside influences occur such as opportunity, surroundings, and their own self esteem. Scientifically it begins in the Limbic System of the brain. The Limbic System contains the brain’s reward circuit – it links together a number of brain structures that control and regulate our ability to feel pleasure. Feeling pleasure motivates us to repeat behaviors such as eating – actions that are critical to our existence. The limbic system is activated when we perform these activities – and also by drugs of abuse. In addition, the limbic system is responsible for our perception of other emotions, both positive and negative, which explains the mood-altering properties of many drugs. It is a genetic predisposition to a certain feeling that triggers brain cells to respond favorably to that stimuli (1).

There are 2 kinds of addiction: physical and psychological. For instance for people using opiates and heroin it quickly becomes a physical addiction because the pain receptors in the brain become filled with the opiate and it feels so good. Then the brain begins it craves it and that causes severe physical responses such as withdrawals until the body receives the drug. Opiate addiction progresses at a startling rate regardless of whether or not the person wants the drug. Alcohol and other drugs such as benzodiazepine (benzos or xanax) can cause the same type of symptoms. Drugs like marijuana are more psychological; it causes psychological cravings and causes it’s user to think they need it. There really isn’t a physical dependency to it per say.

So then, what causes a person to be addicted to sex? My friend has been married for quite a while and they are in a 12 Step Program for it. She attends the “support” part of it like Alanon or Naranon,and she said the place was packed. Many there had partners that “fell off the wagon” during the holiday season. The pressure of the holidays, expectations, and money causes the sex addict to act just like an other ordinary addict to act. They go to their DOC to fill that void of what ever it is missing for them! Just like I used to do. I happen to volunteer time on a world wide website coaching individuals with any kind of addiction you can think of. They hooked me up with another website with a few members who had this particular issue. Right at the start they were very forthright! Most said it was the rush, the orgasm, that feeling of release, or relief. Sex triggered something in them that causes them to repeat that sensation over and over again, sometimes up to a dozen times a day with multiple partners. I was impressed; 12 times a day?

There was as many men as women; some as young as 18 others in their 60’s. I’d say about 20 percent didn’t have a sexual preference, it was just about the act and nothing more. Some of the women I spoke with were molested as children or sexually assaulted early in life. Some of the men said they didn’t receive any attention as children, they were abused or neglected and sex made them feel special, attractive, and wanted. That was another running undercurrent; the need to feel wanted and loved.

They know I am writing this article and every single one said that it is the most misunderstood of all the addictions and brings the most shame. They are racked with guilt, embarrassment, ridicule, very low self esteem and self worth. Most are single and multiple times divorced. They often have other addictions and disorders to coincide such as bulimia, anorexia, and cutting themselves. They have been casted out of their homes, family has abandoned them. One woman I spoke to said it is very hard to make friends and many doctors don’t buy it, she felt suicidal many times. I admit I was skeptical too but not anymore.

Having and developing normal healthy attitudes about sex are good, and when under the right circumstances it can be an amazing experience. But for some, it turns into a nightmare. If you or anyone you know has these symptoms (this is the general list) there is help available: Sex Addicts Anonymous https://saa-recovery.org/ is a 12 Step Program.

Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction:

• Sex dominates a person’s life
• Being pre-occupied with sexual thoughts and fantasy
• Excessive self-satisfaction
• Multiple partners, buying prostitutes, exchanging favors for sex
• Random, unprotected sex
• Anonymous partners
• Lack of intimacy
• The need to leave right after sex
• Can be narcissistic
• Multiple cell phones, computer user accounts, and bank accounts
• Phone sex, dating websites, cyber sex
• Not all, but some sex addicts can progress to becoming violent, demanding, and turn to criminal activities such as sexual harassment at work, rape, exposing themselves.

There were literally thousands on this site from all over the world: all nationalities, religions, and income levels. Just like with every other addiction no one is more special than the next. In my times of using/drinking I would have to say guilt and shame were my biggest obstacles, I would wake up in the morning just reeling with guilt for being so drunk the night before. I was so ashamed of myself for being a mom and me kids seeing me like that sometimes. For years I suffered with that. I would be so worried about what I said, what I did, was I in inappropriate? I had incredibly dangerous actions, drunk driving being the least, if you can imagine. We really aren’t any different then our fellow addict; be it booze, gambling, or sex. It’s a compulsion we can’t control and need help to get it under control.

There is so much in this world that we don’t know, thank God to those who open up and be honest so we do know!

Thank you, you know who you are!!

In Light,

~Kristen

1.http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain