Trust

How trusting are you in your life? Do you feel insecure and have low self esteem? Do you get jealous easily? Do you feel like you can’t believe what people tell you? Have you been cheated on and lied to? What led you to not having trust in your life? Would you be interested in learning how to get it back, even if it meant some hard work?

I have had problems with trust for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from my childhood and living in such an unstable environment. My father was an alcoholic and he literally drank every day of my life until I was 18 years old. I never felt stable, or secure, I always felt uneasy and not knowing what was going to happen next. Those memories haunt me until today. I say haunts because my memories feel like ghosts just hanging out that I can’t send back to the light.

Growing up a I had a few boyfriends but one guy became the love of my life as a teenager. I never really had anyone to love or say “I love you’ to me like that. I felt like love was something I would never experience so when he told me that he loved me I believed him. We were together for a few years. We were two peas in a pod and totally inseparable. Then he cheated on me, not once but several times. He even cheated on me with my best friend and probably more people than I care to know. I forgave him, and I forgave him again. My friends and family thought I was crazy but I thought if I loved him enough he wouldn’t cheat on me. I felt like it was all my fault. I did everything I could; I always dressed nice, I kept myself thin, I was athletic, I was very sexual and adventurous, and I always thought of him first. None of it mattered. He was a cheater and I found out that 30 years later he is still is….. and he has a 3rd wife.

I had a string of just less than good relationships that I am not even going to go into. But the final straw was when I dated another guy who was also an alcoholic he also slept with ANOTHER friend of mine. The hits just kept coming. I felt like the biggest LOSER God ever created so I packed up my stuff and moved to California. That’s when I really got into trouble, that’s when I really started with the drugs. I did not want to feel anything or anyone I just wanted to be as stoned, as stoned could be. No lie, I just packed it up and shipped it out. I had enough of Detroit and I was moving on.

I was lonely and desperate using drugs at an early age because I needed comfort. I needed a safe place to fall. I also looked to men for that comfort and while I was fun for them to play around with, they fell short on the commitment side. I truly was looking for love in all the wrong places. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong with these men!  What I learned later was the choices in men that I made, not what I did wrong. I was so far down emotionally I wasn’t in the right mindset to place value on myself. I didn’t know I was really a good person and deserved to be treated nicely and with respect. I thought I deserved all of the mistreatment I had received.

I kicked the drugs and came back to Michigan, and I met my first husband. Out of the frying pan and RIGHT into the fire. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, he was an older guy, good looking, had plenty of money and loved to party. I married him and while he was always faithful and never cheated on me, his verbal abuse killed off any self esteem and security I had left. After a few years into the relationship I felt so bad about myself I didn’t believe anyone would want me. I dove deeper and deeper into alcohol desperately trying to kill any nerve ending that was exposed so I would not have to feel any more pain. I would drink myself to sleep every night until I passed out, I couldn’t stand to be awake. There were times I still prayed for death because death would have been so much better.

After the divorce I had NO trust or faith in men or women. I didn’t have any hope in myself or even in my outlook. I was truly hope-less. I worked a job every day, struggled to feed my kids, and just still prayed for death because that would be the relief I so desperately needed from this life. Then things began to change. I met a man, who is now my husband, who had equally the same amount of damage but in different ways. We had a long distance relationship so we spent HOURS talking on the phone about our lives, our marriages, and our situations. Gradually, through sharing stores and developing a relationship we began to heal big chunks of ourselves.

Fast forward today and I am much stronger and healthier than what I was…except for one little thing. Trust. I still can not seem to let myself trust on a level that would allow me to live a much more meaningful life. I worry, I get in my own way, and I wish it would stop. I wish I could just wake up and ENJOY the day and not have these worries and thoughts. I wish I could feel more confident.

I have found great strength much improvement through Hypnotherapy, in particular Subconscious Intervention. By way of hypnotic trance I was actually able to go back and have a conversation with my father and ask him questions about why he was the way he was. I found our he was doing the best he could based on the information he had at the time. He had his own problems in childhood and he truly was acting out of what he knew. Just like I did, I was drunk almost every single day of my kids lives until they were 16, so I understood. I also learned that the men in my life who hurt me did so because I allowed it. I had co-dependency issues, love addiction, alcoholism, and I was a mess! I hug out with people who were in the same boat as me.

Thee are so many healing possibilities with Hypnotherapy! If you are ready to take a step forward in your life and begin to look at these ghosts you have hanging around, Hypnotherapy offers so many different ways of achieving that. Please visit my website at http://sacredcircleministry.com and look into the Hypnotherapy area. You can learn ways to release those feelings and gain incredible insight into your life. No matter how far down you are, and I was down, you can get back up again, you can have a beautiful life!!

The damage did not get there over night and it will not leave over night. I know there are many of you with stories similar and much worse than mine. I believe by sharing my stories I will show that there are ways to get better, ways you may not have ever thought about. If you or someone you know is having problems moving forward in life, please send them to my website! Thank you!

In light,

Kristen

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Love Addiction with Co-Dependency

I heard it in the movie Juno that the best you can hope for is to “Find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.” Maybe it’s slightly paraphrased but you get the point. Isn’t that what we all want? To be accepted and loved for who we are; good, bad, or indifferent? How many of us go searching in all the wrong places for that? Or try to change ourselves to fit into the mold of what someone else wants? I mean, really think about it and your past experiences in relationships. How many people did you actually date that were interested in you for exactly who you were and didn’t have some kind of personal agenda?  I’m sure there are a few of you who have been blessed early in life with finding that ‘once in a lifetime’ partner and I applaud you, sincerely! I’m glad you haven’t had to experience the heartaches and disappointment many of us have felt. I know I have dated some guys that….for lack of a better term were TOTAL LOSERS!! I don’t even know what I was thinking sometimes. Onward….

I dated men that weren’t emotionally available, I dated men who didn’t like women very much. I dated men that didn’t even like themselves very much. In my first marriage I ultimately married a guy like that. I thought, love was all I needed. I believed that if I found the right guy that everything would be ok. I thought I could change him and once we got married we would have this happy little family and all the bad stuff will go away. I put up with so much bad behavior from my boyfriends and then my first husband that I cringe just thinking about it now. I loved the feeling of falling in love; meeting that new guy and having that connection, and I would look for it often. The only time I broke up with someone was because I already had another guy in the wings. If I got broken up with I’d be on the hunt that night looking or a new love so I would feel better. I was highly codependent; thinking that I could fix any man with any kind of problem if I loved him enough. I believed I could change into what ever he wanted.  But I never received any love back and couldn’t figure out why that was. I would ask myself “What is wrong with me?” Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Am I not good enough? I thought that if I became the perfect person that they would have to love me…..I thought love was the answer to everything and that if someone loved me enough and if I loved them that nothing else mattered.

I lost friends, rejected my family and lost interests in things that mattered to me. I allowed their world to become my world and took on behaviors that weren’t mine. I exchanged the person I was for the person they wanted me to be. I changed my style, my hair, my weight, and my image. I thought that if I were just “good enough” they would love me. When I was rejected (which was plenty of times) I took it to mean that there was something wrong with me, not that possibly the guy was a total a-hole, but that I had the problem. Can you imagine? Maybe some of you can resonate! I hurt so badly inside during these times, I just can’t believe that I was so desperate. I sacrificed my career, education, and chances to travel. I just lost any part of me that made Kristen who she was and I did it on purpose! I was out of control and my friends were just sick of me and my drama. Crazy with a booze bottle….that was me.

When I created this life coaching and hypnotherapy business I was so excited because I wanted to help so many people with afflictions such as mine. Yet as I began to lay out my business plan I saw just how screwed up in life I was. Truly. I mean, just look at my list of specialties!  How did I get this way? When did I loose my way in the world and end up with all of these problems? What kind of life plan did I lay out for myself before I came here because this lifetime has been a doozy. Maybe I am planning some kind of big  final exit. Maybe this is my last time coming around and I want to go out with a bang!! Yeah that’s it! I’m so glad I finally have a chance to heal my life, and heal those memories. It’s ok, because if I didn’t go through them I wouldn’t be able to help others who are suffering.

So what is Love Addiction and how do you know if you have it? It’s being addicted to that intoxicated feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting! It’s that rush that someone finds you interesting and you find them interesting. It can be a sexual attraction, and often Love and Sex Addiction goes hand in hand much like Love addiction and Co-dependency. Here is the best description I found from Love Addiction Treatment Center:

*“While the desire to love and be loved is perfectly normal, the intoxicating feeling of being “in love” can be addictive for some individuals. If you’ve ever been in love, you know how powerful it can be. Suddenly your world is completely turned upside down. You feel an excitement – an energy, if you will – that makes everything seem new and wonderful. Some people describe it as feeling like they were walking on air. It’s natural to want this euphoric feeling to last forever.

Of course, most people realize that the wonderful initial feeling of new love doesn’t (and can’t) last forever. In healthy long-term relationships, the initial love gradually gives way to a more mature love – one that is perhaps less intoxicating and euphoric, but ultimately much more fulfilling and stable. For those prone to love addiction, however, the loss of that initial euphoria is akin to the crash that drug addicts feel when their drug of choice wears off. They crave the “high” and begin the search for another fix. Love addicts are no different, which is why they often go from one relationship to the next once the initial high wears off.”

Do you think you have a Love Addiction with Co-Dependency issue?

• Do you fall in love easily and quickly?
• Do you think that you are nothing with out a partner?
• Do you base your self worth on the fact of having a partner or not?
• Do you get jealous and feel possessive easily?
• Do you find yourself dating anyone who asks you?
• Are you always looking for your next relationship?
• Do you sabotage your relationships just so you can start a new one?
• Do you search for high risk partners thinking your love can fix them?
• Do you stay in unhealthy relationships because you believe your love is enough for the both of you?
• Do you equate sex to love?
• If you have sex with someone do you now believe this is a relationship?
• Do you have sex with anyone who asks, thinking it is because they like/love you?
• Do you believe you are unlovable?
• Were you rejected early in life from your parents or caregivers?
• When you go on a date you immediately size the person up for marriage?
• Do you sacrifice friends and family for your partner?
• Partake in activities you know are dangerous just to make them happy? (drugs, alcohol, sex)
• You loose interest in your friends, activities, and job?
• Do your friends and family cringe every time you have a new “relationship”?
• Are you mentally and physically exhausted at the thought of leaving a bad relationship?
• Do you tolerate physical and verbal abuse because you think you deserve it?

If any of these symptoms ring true for you, you may be suffering from Love Addiction with Co-Dependency. Hypnotherapy and Coaching truly worked wonders for me by getting to the root of my problems. I had very low self esteem and self worth. It made such a difference in my second marriage. I was already on the road to healing when I met him but going through the training enabled me to shed the remaining parts of me that were not healthy. My second husband and I have been working very hard on our issues because we want a healthy, stable, and rewarding lifestyle!

Please visit my website at www.sacredcircleministry.com for a complete overview of services to see how we may be able to help you! You don’t have to live like this, it may be hard work to transform behaviors but it is so much more rewarding. Relationships are meant to be an additive or a compliment to who we are, not something to change us. However, in order to find someone to love us for exactly who we are, we have to be ready. By being ready means being healthy and leaving the other baggage behind. Until we change we will live the same pattern over and over wishing we will get better.

In light

Kristen

*From www.loveaddictiontreatment.com

 

Stepping Up and Stepping Out!

What lies hadn’t I dealt with in coaching? What demons hadn’t I faced? What secret was I keeping? I was addicted to opiates and through my education and experiences at school I was able to heal the root and underlying cause why I became addicted, yet again. This has been a giant 500,000 pound brick tied to my neck like a boulder from Hell. Every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was the words LIAR. I talked about my alcohol sobriety but not the current struggle. Half of me was embarrassed and the other half was afraid. I had planned on keeping my secret but then after talking with my husband Leif he assured me that this is the reason I am doing the work I am doing. He said I had to go through this final phase of addiction so I could relate to people who were suffering with opiates. He said that I wouldn’t have understood how painful withdrawal is, or how easy it is to become addicted to them. He said I wouldn’t have had the compassion and that I had to experience the full effect to truly be the kind of practitioner I wanted to be: Authentic.

That’s why I married him. Leif always has a way of looking at the positive side of things. He was right, I wasn’t in huge trouble like needing an intervention but I was definitely running with scissors. He said God isn’t going to let me fall instead he is going to raise me up even higher for having the courage to finally face my demons and get it right! It took the opiates to finally make me see that although I found sobriety I was in no way sober.

I had developed an addiction to Opiates following gallbladder surgery in July 2010. I had suffered for years with neck, back and leg pain and the Percocet they prescribed for after the surgery brought me extraordinary relief in those areas. When I told my physician he sent me for an MRI and it was discovered I had a progressive form of arthritis in my cervical vertebrae. The pain meds brought me incredible relief! Before then, I had never taken a pain pill stronger than Tylenol 3, I just didn’t want to take them. I was a drinker and you can’t drink if you’re taking pain meds so, I didn’t bother, I suffered instead. With the Percocet I felt alive again, I felt like I was on top of the world! I was teaching and I could go all day! I was finally sleeping good, I was so happy and my depression was lifting! It was utterly amazing how great I felt, it was literally the best time of my life. I quit drinking, quit smoking, I lost 35 pounds and I was getting healthy! All was good ………untiI I ran out of pills one day.

When I began the 10 week coaching course Richard had said something that I didn’t quite understand at the time. He told us all that we have a Divine Appointment being here in this class, meaning that there is someone in this classroom that will make a profound effect on my life. Looking around the room I didn’t think so, in fact there was someone in there that I had a past problem with.  He went on to say that possibly this opportunity had presented itself in other ways in the past and we didn’t take the chance. He said that if we were running late today or was still on the fence about taking the class we would have missed it again! All I can think of now is OMG I would have missed all of THIS! Back then though, after meeting the initial group I thought the only Divine appointment I would be having was to kick someone’s ass. Other than that, I didn’t think there were any messages for me. In reality, there were 3.

After finishing Life Coaching I began Hypnotherapy. Our teacher Linda Bennett is probably the foremost authority on not only hypnosis but the subconscious mind. The classes that are involved in hypnotherapy basically deal with the brain and how it works and “why” we take actions we do. I learned we also heal on a Soul level with Past Life Regression, Subconscious Intervention, and Spirit Release. There are a host of other things that really get into your head and soul and unlock those barriers keeping you trapped in negative ways. It’s a total mind blow but probably the single most profound concept I have ever discovered. I know some people say it’s bunk but let me tell you…the miracles it performed on me are nothing short of amazing. I felt bad I was transitioning off the Oxy onto a new medicine when I began her classes, it was incredibly challenging but exactly where I needed to be. In each stage of my recovery I began a new class that coincided with the program. I believe it was nothing short of Divine intervention. Bit by bit, piece by piece I began to understand why I have the problems I do, and how to correct them.

That is what I want to bring to my clients; the keys to being healthy in whatever way it means to you. We each have our demons; be it drugs, food, sex, money, men, women, gambling, etc. Each of us gravitates to those particular items for a particular reason. The key to honest to goodness recovery from any of those addictions and more is getting down and digging deep all the way into the subconscious and unlocking that box that is holding the information needed to be discovered. Until then, you will never be truly healed. That initial sensitizing event, the situation that caused the belief that you needed that particular addiction to feel better has to be found. If not, you will keep making the same choices and repeating the same behavior over and over again. It’s a different type of therapy. Until you find out “why” you will never know the ‘how”.

I am Stepping Up and Stepping Out into the Light by sharing this with you. I feel better being open and knowing that possibly someone will read this today that will need the same kind of help I did. This kind of work is never done, there is always something to be working on.

Thank you for reading my blog!! Please feel free to comment and share experiences you have had in any of these areas!

In light,

Kristen

 

What Exactly Is a Life Coach? (part 2)

Fast forward just over a year, I’ve now completed the Life Coaching program, completed the Clinical Hypnotherapy program and successfully became an Ordained Minister!  Yes, during the process of the past 18 months I took a course in Spiritual Studies and became a minister. Not a “holy” minister per say but more like a Celebrant, or a person who does their work from a spiritual sense. I now believe in a Higher Power. I was at such a crisis during my ordination because I had this intense Calling to do so, although I didn’t have a particular path to follow. My current teachers assured me that this was ok, it was on it’s way, and that I was at the point of a spiritual awakening. This is just an incredible twist!  I was sitting in school last Spring in one of my psychology classes and I heard a voice that said “People need you, become ordained, it’s the only way you will be able to do it.” I kept saying “I’m not sure about my beliefs in God/Spirit! I think you have the wrong person here!” There was no way anyone or any Spirit would be asking ME to become ordained, I’m sorry. The only way I can explain it was afterwards a silent knowing had been placed inside me. Somehow I knew God/Spirit will speak to me again when the time is right and I will know the path to choose. I believe right now He is more interested in me developing my faith in Him, period.

A few weeks have past and there was some scuttle going around that my original teacher, Richard Seaman owner and creator of Seattle Life Coach Training, would be facilitating the Advanced Life Coaching class on this particular weekend at SWIHA. I looked at my schedule and breathed a sigh of relief! I had Reiki scheduled that weekend, no problem! I am off the hook! I was afraid of Richard, I allowed myself to be intimidated and I didn’t  feel that I could be myself in his class. I know now it was because I was hiding myself. Several of my friends were anxiously chatting about Richard coming to teach the class and they wanted me to join them and I said  “No, I have Reiki, sorry!” Secretly, I was smiling inside, thinking Thank God, I can’t face this right now. I can’t face Richard and have him know I have been a failure in my coaching. Not that he would care and make me feel bad, but my insecurities began to flow in like a river out of control. Fear welled up in my throat and I just wanted to run. I wanted to run as fast as I could from school and never come back. There were things I knew I had not addressed in school to heal from and they were holding me back, I knew this, I knew that they would be exposed in this class and I was not ready. I thought I could still have a successful business by not ‘coming clean’ all the way. See, if you don’t take care of your own stuff, how dare you think you can help someone with theirs. That is a coaching motto. I thought I did enough work so I could manage. I think I was wrong…

As the date crept closer, a school administrator and I were talking in another class when she mentioned to me that Richard would be coming back to teach. I told her about my Reiki class and how unfortunate the whole situation was and I couldn’t make it. She looked at me and said “Reiki comes around all the time, who cares!” She went on to say “Richard may not be coming back to teach this, you can take Reiki any old time.” Ugh. That shot through the heart and I almost choked on my own lack of air. This sickening feeling ensued me and I felt the world was slipping away. Horror grasped my body and I sat there suddenly realizing that I have to slay the beast! Not Richard but my fear. The next day I called my guidance counselor and reluctantly asked to be put on the list.

As the day drew closer I began to have anxiety, doubt, fear, pain, and bad memories of that first Life Coaching weekend. What if it was terrible again? What if I were embarrassed again? On that fateful Friday, I saw Richard in the hallway; he looked great, like a friendly face from the past. We chatted for a moment and I began to feel calm, like ok, maybe this will be alright. As the clock ticked and the minutes passed I sat in my seat over thinking all of the reasons why I shouldn’t be in this class and why I should run out the door. Panic swooped over me and held me tight, I almost started crying. I felt like I would be exposed for being a fake and that I really wasn’t a life coach, I was a failure. I lied, I hadn’t dealt with my demons, I have been keeping those last secrets in my chest, holding them close to me heart so no one could see….I hadn’t earned the right to truly help others.

Class began and as Richard spoke I felt my panic beginning to ease, I felt that possibly this wasn’t going to be so bad. I felt myself starting to relax and actually enjoy the class. I was paired up with a fabulous coach and I will blog about that incident another day. Every single person I interacted with was amazing! I told myself going in that I am laying down all my cards and expect the best. I am looking for peace of mind and a true transformational experience. I approached each exercise like it was my last. I threw my heart and soul into each session I coached and dumped out the rest of my baggage for my coach. It was a win/win! I felt happy and hopeful. I felt like maybe this whole Life Coaching thing wasn’t so bad, maybe I could be a good coach. Ok, so maybe not that far yet but I was thinking about it.

As the weekend progressed I saw a different side of Richard, he wasn’t intimidating as he was inviting. He invited us, rather highly encouraged us to let it all go, to not be afraid and do the work ourselves first! He admitted his own short-comings, his own mistakes, and his own ego incidents. He appeared human and humble and not what I had made up in my mind. He was inspiring us to find faith in our selves and trust our God/Universe/Spirit to do the work with our clients. He coached us into getting into connection with Spirit and let it fill us up. We don’t have to have the answers, we only need the questions and if we have enough faith the right questions will appear. That is what a Transformational Life Coach is; someone who is open to their Higher Power, being present, and asking the questions the client needs to hear in order make profound change. Wow! I wasn’t in the right place to understand that the first time around. My goodness, Thank goodness I went to the class.

The last exercise of the weekend was the best, I won’t give away too many details but it involves blindfolds, the dark, and faith. Richard is a man of Spirit; he works in synchronization with the Divine. Like a watchful father he sees his children’s fear and he shares his own to demonstrate we are not alone. He is caring yet passionately driven to see his students reach their highest potential. He is tough yet advantageous. This part of the class was the missing puzzle piece I so desperately needed to experience. For the first time I had that “AH-A” moment. I felt Spirit for the first time in my life and as I did I realized that at this moment, nothing else mattered. Whatever we had done in the past is over. I faced my fear and was set free. I am finally free. We were all hugging, crying, talking about Spirit being in the house, and Divine appointments etc. Only this time I was doing most of the talking (smile). I got it, I finally got it.

Richard did something very surprising, he acknowledged my achievements in front of the class. He noticed I wasn’t just ‘in my head’.He saw how hard I had been working and that our class time was not in vain. I began my journey with him and for the most part I am ending with him. How grateful am I to have this teacher, this experience, in fact I am grateful for ALL of my teachers! I can’t believe how good I feel this week, it’s like night and day! In the coming weeks I will be writing about some of my other teachers and classmates and the impressions they have left on me.

Thank you Richard, blessings on your continued journey!

~Kristen

Next: Stepping up and Stepping Out…….

 

What Exactly is a Life Coach?

*This article is the first of a 3 part series regarding the Advanced Life Coaching Seminar I attended this past weekend at the South West Institute of Healing Arts (SWIHA) and the events leading up to it. This is a story of phenomenal spiritual growth and awareness that can occur when someone trusts their instincts and opens themselves up to possibilities of God/Universe/Spirit.*

When I first started Life Coaching many of my my friends asked me “What the heck is a Life Coach?”   I said “I’m not exactly sure… but I think it’s what I am supposed to be doing.” I owned an eyelash extension studio, in fact, I had just started the business but somehow I already knew I made a mistake. I showed up on a Friday night for the weekend intensive Life Coaching kick off. After listening to the facilitators talk about what Life Coaching was and how it would impact my life and how I will be changed forever it sounded pretty intriguing. My life was a complete mess at the moment, so I was game. We were divided into groups of 2 and I went through the weekend in a series of very uncomfortable exercises that involved asking “powerful” questions of my partner in order to find out where they had hidden obstacles or blocks in their life. Everyone was talking about these powerful questions, I kept asking myself “What does that mean, a powerful question? Am I the only person who doesn’t get this? What are powerful questions and how do I find them, are they on a list somewhere or something?”

Everyone seemed to know what to do and everyone I was paired up with was not very encouraging. Then we went through some very pleasant guided meditations so I really enjoyed that. I felt relaxed and thought ok well, this is kind of cool. I never really did that before, go through a guided meditation. It’s a form of hypnosis designed to quiet your mind and allow you to look deep within yourself. Then all of a sudden, people were crying, claiming “spiritual break-through” and enormous healing was taking place. Everyone was hugging, saying that God was in the house and all of this was a Divine appointment. All this excitement and people laughing and claiming to feel God and see God. I thought” Why would God be in a Life Coaching seminar? What did I stumble into? What did I get myself into?” I was NOT at all religious and barely had any spirituality about me, and I really didn’t care to try it on at the moment. I was actually kind of perturbed at the fact we were discussing “religion” at a public seminar.

Over all, it was a nice seminar. The facilitators’ were extraordinary in the fact I never heard this kind of talk before, it was a new way of learning things as they introduced a new perspective to life. Although I didn’t understand it all I was at least interested in hearing more. Something just kept telling me I had to be there. They really laid into the fact of having to have a spiritual base, a foundation of something to believe in greater than ourselves, that we were not created to be here alone, we are in Spirit always. I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist. We refer to God as God, Universe,Spirit, or GUS. They said “We are Spirits Beings having a Human Experience.” More religion, I thought, but it wasn’t SO bad. As Life Coaches, in their perspective, we need a spiritual balance because the answers for our clients  don’t come from us. During a coaching session the answers come from the client. We are simply a conduit, or a vessel for God/Spirit/The Universe to flow through us and work with the client. We just keep vigilant, or hold space, listen and be supportive. We ask open ended questions (found out that’s what “powerful” meant) designed to let the client look deep with in themselves to find their own answers. In coaching we believe the client holds all the answers for themselves. When working in a spiritual nature, we allow Spirit to be a part of the process allowing for the highest attainment of knowledge and assistance. Ok, that’s not so bad I guess, I began trying it on…a little.

The last exercise involved a small business portion where we had to work in groups of 3’s and pitch our Life Coaching business. We had to pretend we had a business card and do little 1 minute presentations to each other about why we would be great coaches. Ok cool, I’m a business owner this will be a breeze. So, I get in my group, made my presentation and this lady looked at me and said “That is the worst “sell” I have ever heard in my entire life. If you gave me your business card I would tear it up and throw it in the garbage. You’re terrible!” Alrighty then….maybe Life Coaching wasn’t in my future.

I did somehow find the courage to come back for the 10 week course and upon entering the class I saw someone in there I did not want to see. Someone I had a large problem with in the past. My head is reeling now, what is going on here? My teacher took the attitude with me that I was “in my head” and I think somewhere in his head at the time dismissed me as being potentially nuts. I felt like everyone was against me, everything just was an unpleasant experience and I had no idea why. I was uncomfortable, terrified, lonely, and unsure. So with that in mind I came back every week, twice a week still trying to figure out what powerful questions were and how I was going to change my life and others. All around me at school people kept talking about how amazing Life Coaching is and I looked at them in such dismay thinking What was so wonderful? What wasn’t I getting? Why are my sessions so stumbly? What is wrong with me?

What I didn’t know at the moment was that I was having a Spiritual Crisis. I had been operating my whole life with out any kind of spiritual foundation. I believed in God, that “someone” may have been up there, but I didn’t think He was for me. I felt like my crimes of the past were too severe for God, plus somewhere it didn’t make sense to me. I have never talked about religion or had any interest in it, really. I dabbled in a few things here or there but here, in this school, Spirit was everywhere, I was faced with the daily dilemma of hearing about it and the teachers bringing “It” into our class. I used to think “Can’t we do all this work with out God being involved?” Thank God that was one of the few times I decided NOT to voice my thoughts, I would have totally embarrassed myself.

Even though I had left Michigan 3 years prior and found sobriety, I had a whole lot of baggage that I needed to address and dismantle and the only way to do it was through Spirit. My husband lovingly pushed me along on this path, somewhere probably hoping that I would hear the message I needed to hear to finally get well. I wasn’t happy about being at SWIHA anymore; I felt rebellion building up in me and I was becoming angry at the thought of being there, talking about God and the Angels and Spirit guides and all that other stuff. I wasn’t getting along well in the class and started really disliking Life Coaching. I wasn’t making any friends and I began pulling myself back deeper with in my shell. I began feeling overwhelmed with sadness and guilt.

Little did I know what would happen next….

 

10 Ways to End Gossip and Heal Your Soul!!

Have you ever had anyone gossip about you? Ever have someone spread untrue stories about you, and make your life miserable?  I believe it is an actual assault on our character and it doesn’t matter if it is true or not because it still does damage, sometimes damage that can not be repaired. When you are gossiped about your surroundings can becomes a scary place, you suddenly don’t know who you can trust and even those closest to you can become suspect. It creates fear and worry and depending on the type and amounted talk going on, it can downright ruin someone’s life. People have even been known to take their own life. Look at the stories of school kids being tormented so much they would rather die than be talked about so much. I feel that is extreme, yes, but it wasn’t to the person living it. When we choose to create lies, listen to lies, and spread lies we are actively taking a part in a person’s demise, whether we intend to or not, it is what happens.

Gossip is just like most addictive behavior; it stems from people with low self esteem and low self worth. They feel better by making people feel as bad as they do. They get a response from the pleasure part of the brain in the Limbic system, encouraging them to continue the behavior. When they make someone feel bad, they feel good. People that are addicted to gossip usually have some kind of emotional or physical challenge that doesn’t make them feel very good about themselves. It can be anything from being over weight to having acne to not being a good driver. It really doesn’t matter what the cause of it the action is, it still elicits’ the same behavior.

Now, what is unique about gossip addiction as opposed to alcohol and drug addiction is initially the substance abusing individual isn’t hurting anyone but themselves. Their dependency eventually grows until it effects everyone around them. With gossip addiction it begins as an all out war on every individual they seem worthy of their abuse. It’s only when it backfires and people become aware of them and their work does the addict feel it.  They can go long periods without feeling the direct effect of their work and often they have more than one individual that they are actively gossiping about a time. When they are finally found out it can be an incredibly explosive dramatic situation.

Gossip addicts like to recruit other people into their addiction as well, they usually look for people who have even lower self esteem than themselves. This gives the addict a sense of power and a sense of control.  They often threaten the weaker individual and question their loyalty constantly. The unsuspecting recruit is often afraid of the gossip addict, has minimal friends, and is scared to speak up for themselves or anyone else. They find a sense of safety and companionship with the addict and can act as a spy or are always on the look out to bring back news about the person they are talking about. This creates a reward response in the helper and since they are already so far down this feels good to them, that someone is noticing them and they feel loved. This is quite similar to a domestic violence situation; the abused seeks affirmation from the abuser.

The gossip addict can ultimately collect quite a few individuals in their group in a relatively short time. They are usually new in town, new at a job, or new in the area for some reason. They move from one situation to the next looking for people because they are ran out of so many other locations once they are found out about. They tend to be loners until they get their little group going.

There are varying degrees of gossip addiction and each has it’s own harmful characteristics. Some are office spy’s who love to tell the boss what everyone is up to and saying about them. There may be the community ‘watch dog’ spreading gossip about the neighbors and what goes on in their homes. It could be at the kids school; meddling staff with information they aren’t supposed to share. Other parents who gossip are within their clicks. It can even be in your own family with a member who just has it out for you, everyone is afraid to confront them because of their bullying behavior. It doesn’t matter where it is or who it is, it is the damage that they feel compelled to create in order to feel better about themselves. In the United state it is an overwhelming amount of gossip addiction. 1 in every 3 people have a problem with keeping their mouths shut! Have you seen Facebook? The celebrity gossip shows? Your neighborhood? Your workplace??

My question is who is responsible for their actions? Who is responsible for the fall out they cause? Depending on what the gossip is about someone may lose their job, which could result in complete financial devastation and even homelessness.  It can cause severe problems in a family that marriages and family bonds can be broken forever. Parents can be threatened to have their kids taken away. Don’t scoff I know someone that is happening to right now and she is having a lawsuit against them. Ex-spouses partners sometimes start gossip; they feel betrayed, left out, or dumped and lash out not realizing the damage they are doing is ultimately to their own children.

How do you get a gossip addict to treatment? Good question, I haven’t found a treatment center yet, I say yet because it may be a possibility. Until then there are a few things you can do to protect yourself and not set yourself up to be gossiped about. If you personally feel that you are being gossiped about or your reputation and ethics are being discussed you have the right to know. By getting to the core of the situation quickly and effectively can hopefully negate a bulk of the damage.

One point I would like to stress deeply:

If you know that someone  that is being talked about in negative and potentially hurtful ways, please find a way to let the person know what is happening immediately. Keeping silent is no different than the gossiper.

Ask the person in question whether the stories are true, don’t take opinions and thoughts of others as truth. We don’t know their agenda, we don’t know why they are speaking these things. If children are repeating information, and it is not a child abuse situation, ask one or both of the parents if the story is true! Taking the word of a child with out asking the parents for confirmation can only lead to deeper problems. Children can have their own motive for causing trouble too. I learned that in one of my classes, especially in divorce cases.

10 Ways to End Gossip and Heal Your Soul

1. First of all take a good look at yourself. Is anything they are saying have an air of truth to it? Are you always late for work? Do you take advantage of your friends? Are you disrespectful to family members? Take an emotional inventory on yourself and see if you are giving anyone a reason to be talking.

2. Clean up your act. If you have pieces of information just hanging out there online, clean up your digital dirt. Anything you have done online can still be found. Don’t give anyone any unnecessary fuel. DO NOT advertise your family or personal problems online. Don’t announce you’re fighting with your partner, you hate your job or boss, or how you hate your family. Just keep it light….keep it social.

3.  Don’t gossip yourself. Mind your own business, and make sure your family does the same. If there are children in the home instruct them to not talk about personal matters that go on in your home, especially between the parents. If mom and dad are having problems that is not the information to share with others.

3. If other family members or ex spouses/partners are ASKING for information from the kids, remind your children that personal matters between the parents such as the relationship, arguing,  finances, and other things are not to be discussed with others. If the children feel that they are always being pumped for information ask them to tell you first and you will handle it because you are an adult.

5. If it is made known to you that the children are being asked for information address the situation immediately!  Make it known that this behavior will not be tolerated for any reason. If it continues then set a consequence and stick to it. Make sure the children aren’t “in trouble” with the other parent over this.

6. At the workplace, always conduct yourself accordingly and don’t feed the fire. Do your best always, don’t be late, don’t take people’s food, and don’t talk about your boss or management to anyone! Keep your area clean and efficient, be sure to be a positive team member, and honor the rules of the workplace. Don’t show up thinking the rules don’t apply to you and you can get away with things. Cute only goes so far, especially with other women. Keep your mouth shut and do your best.

7. Make it known that you are aware of talk going on and you are on a mission to find out who it is from and what it is in regards to. I know some professionals may say to just let it go, and that may work some of the time, but often it just keeps getting worse. Like with bullying, if you don’t address it, the damage may not  be repairable later. Once you make it known you know, people begin to get really nervous and it may inadvertently “out’ the perpetrator.

8. Be prepared. Often gossip involves lies stemming from people who think they know something, or have been told something they think is the truth. Of course it has been salted and peppered along the way so it may be really skewed by the time it reaches you. What may have been one single circumstance has grown into a nightmare of epic proportion. It may be painful that anyone even believed that about you, and didn’t ask you first, they just believed it…..

9. The gossip may be turn out to be true. The result of your past and a life you have left far behind is now showing up. It may be twisted a little and exaggerated or parts changed but you still recognize it as being true. Well, at least it is out now. It is no more a secret. Depending on the severity of it and the circumstances involved it may involve some painful conversations you hadn’t planned on yet, if ever.  You can enlist a professional to help you with that process, if necessary.

A Coach can bring in a whole family and allow for open and honest dialogue in a safe and loving manner. Before you get too upset know that we have all done things we are not proud of and many of us are NOT the same person we were before. You may find it incredibly healing to address the truth and deal with it properly. Sometimes the things we think are the worst, often aren’t as bad as we imagined.

10. Moving forward. After the smoke has cleared and the truth is out and all the people involved are discovered you can look at all the cards laid out on the table, so to speak. Working with a Life Coach can help you not only heal from the experience but learn from it. What type of lesson has this taught us? How has our Soul benefitted? You may find tremendous relief to release this burden and finally let it go. Forgive yourself, find it in your heart to forgive those who played a part. You don’t have to invite them back into your life, but don’t keep them bound to you by holding a grudge.

Going through a process like this may seem daunting and people are always tempted to sweep things under the rug. Sweeping things under the rug just results in a bigger lump under the rug, it doesn’t go anywhere, it just keeps getting bigger. Taking back control of your life and showing there is accountability for negative actions taken against you is often enough to stop the behavior. This continues to build our self esteem and self worth, it opens dialogue with people in ways that can bring healing and happiness to your life again.

Blessings!

Kristen

 

Setting Boundaries and Other Uncomfortable Things

What are Boundaries, exactly? Boundaries are clear, precise, unwavering lines drawn in the sand around you that let’s other people know how you engage in the world, how you expect to be treated, and what the ramifications are if those boundaries are not met. Now, I know that sounds kind of harsh and highly uncomfortable but that quintessentially is what boundaries are about. They let people know right off the bat what is allowed by you and what is not. It isn’t a license to act like a fool and think you can call the shots and not take responsibility, veritably, it is the exact act of taking responsibility for your actions and making others accountable for their actions. Boundaries state how you expect to be treated, how you treat people in return, and what are the consequences for their actions. If we don’t have at least some kind of thought about how we want to be treated and what is acceptable and what is not then it gives people free reign to walk all over you. You are allowing it to happen and it will continue to happen until you create healthy and effective boundaries.

One of the biggest obstacles I faced in sobriety and even more so in my drinking is that I didn’t have healthy limitations with people. I said and did things I am not proud of. I engaged in behavior that was not cool and I hurt people. I also allowed myself to become almost like a doormat; I allowed people to mistreat me and  I accepted the abuse. I almost expected it. I had been treated badly by men my whole life what was one more? I had unhealthy boundaries’ at my jobs as well; out of scarcity I allowed myself to be worked into the ground like a dog. I let my bosses talk to me like shit and then gobble up the scraps they fed me because I felt like I had to. I stayed with a boyfriend who cheated on me repeatedly because I felt that I was doing something wrong to make him cheat. Do you know that it is 30 years later and when I spoke to him last he was cheating on his 3rd wife!  I stayed in an unhealthy marriage because I couldn’t see that I was worth more. I let “friends’’’ use me because I was too afraid of not having any.

Lately, I have allowed a whole bunch of activity, from multiple arena’s, to go on because I didn’t stand up for  myself from the beginning. I have felt that I would be causing trouble for someone else, I kept hoping it would just stop, but it has gotten so much worse. I have allowed myself to be talked about like some kind of 2.00 whore that was dragged in off the street. That’s the heart of it, I allowed myself to experience all of these things, because I did not have clear, precise, unwavering lines drawn in the sand saying what is acceptable and what is not. This is a huge step in my spiritual and personal growth albeit a painful one. I know that God/The Universe is guiding me to address this situation once and for all.

Now you may ask “What do I do carry around a 3×5 card and hand it to people and say hey, this is how I want o be treated?” Well, not exactly but kind of! I have a whole coaching session for boundaries but this is a good starter exercise. I recommend doing this after the anger and hurt has subsided some, but allow for a little of the passion to resonate. Let’s begin with your biggest boundary issue. Sit and think what about your current situation is bothering you. Begin writing out what has happened and why you feel the way you do. Begin your list by writing all the things you don’t like about it and how it makes you feel.Then begin thinking about your own character and how you show up in the world, what is it people see and experience through you? What about you needs some adjusting? Write down those ideas too. Nothing is ever all someone else’s fault. Make a list of the ways you want to shift your thinking, what thoughts empower you, what make you feel good about yourself? Write down all your emotions.

Then on a nice piece of paper, or even a 3×5 card if you wish write down your boundaries. For example;

• I will not allow “———–“ to say those things to me anymore and if she does then “———-“ is going to happen.
• I will not allow my” ————-“ to scream and holler at me in front of people anymore and if they do”………” will happen.
• I will not allow”————-“ to damage my life through gossip and lies and if it continues”—————“ will happen.

For this to be effective you must create a consequence you know you will follow through on or else it won’t work. They will call your bluff, immediately! You have to create an action you know you can deliver. I know it is so hard. I know it’s easier to just say ‘Oh well it’s ok  bla, bla bla…” Enough, it’s time to get tough and let them know you are serious. You don’t have to scream at them, but it may require working past your comfort level. You may feel a huge stretch as you step even further into your greatness, but God/The Universe is with you every step of the way. May I suggest prayer, or meditation, or some kind of focal exercise to create and enact the process,

Once complete tape it to your bathroom mirror or kitchen cabinet. Make a copy an put it in your car. Put one in your purse, in your wallet, anywhere you can see it, place a copy. The more the Mind sees it and hears it, it begins to believe it. It can be a terrifying encounter the first time you step up to the plate. You can state your case calmly and clearly and be prepared for a whole lot of emotion from that person or group of people. Often, they may not be aware of their actions or they get angry and upset because they got caught. You don’t have to go into any great explanations just state your feelings. You may even want to practice with a friend to gain confidence. In time your faith and self esteem will build but it’s a start to stop the madness as I call it.

It’s kind of like Al-Anon for the alcoholic or drug addict during an Intervention. If they don’t choose sobriety then they are cut out of the the family and left to fend for themselves. That encourages the addict to seek treatment in rehab faster because now they have no support. Creating boundaries encourages others to treat you with respect because if they don’t there are consequences to pay. When people see you changing, they then are forced into change and it causes a ripple effect out in the Universe. It causes other people to treat you with respect as well and it grows and grows and grows until you are healthy, happy and confident! It takes time but it does happen! You didn’t get in this position overnight, you will not solve it overnight either.

People do not have to like you, but they do not have the right to disrespect you. Ever.

In light,

Kristen

 

It’s a Beautiful Day…..on the Road to Success!

I finally got my website published yesterday. What began as a quest to put together a simple synapsis of what my business would be like and services offered turned into an unbelievable experience I won’t soon forget. What did I really want to have happen? What type of business did I really want to have? I would go back and forth to the computer analyzing this possibility, thinking over that possibility, etc. I spent hundreds of hour’s researching websites from every Life Coach, Hypnotherapist and Tarot Reader I could find. I studied what worked for them, what didn’t, what I liked, and what I didn’t. It all made me begin to realize that this was for real! This was not just something to throw together this indeed was the face front of what I wanted my life’s work to be about! Start throwing words around like that and suddenly you begin to think like you are an important person or something, you now have “work”. The only “face front” I ever had was a drunk face front so…… I’m kind of behind the 8 ball a bit.

Moving on, it had become a daunting task, because now I had a purpose. Now it had to be really special and have the greatest representation of how my business would come across. Have you seen some of the websites out there? There are some really good ones and even more bad ones. I didn’t want to fall somewhere in the middle, I wanted to be in the top 10 of what I saw out there. I wanted people to know that “Hey I am serious about this!” But everyday I sat sown in front of my computer uninspired, unfeeling, and unsure of what it was exactly I would be doing with my business. I had been on this journey of self discovery through school for about 16 months and I still didn’t feel as though I had arrived. I felt like I was still out there in the ethers..floating.

After my ordination in early December I thought ok, this is it, now it is time to knock this out of the park. I have completed the bulk of my education and I am ready to roll. I sat back down in front of the computer once again but just stared at the screen. Nothing flowed from my soul into my fingers. I had a few rough ideas here and there but nothing concrete. I started to feel like maybe I had made a mistake, like all the times before. I would get so excited about a new idea and throw my life into it only to fail. My husband was kind of enough to remind me that Abraham Lincoln failed like a million times before he became president and everyone laughed at Thomas Edison and his light bulb. I said “That was like 10 million years ago, this is happening right now!” He said “It’s when you don’t try that you are failing.” I didn’t know if I should hug him or slap him. Maybe secretly I wanted to be a failure, I was tired of being embarrassed when something doesn’t work. All I ever wanted was my own business and each time I had it, it failed. I began to clearly feel that maybe I was better off being a worker bee instead of an entrepreneur.

My teachers and friends at school assured me that I was great at what I was doing and this was my true calling. As I would look at them though my eyes I would be saying “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know who I am? I don’t succeed, I fail miserably!” I have spent my life busting my ass to make other people money, and did it well Yet when it came for myself there never seemed to be enough money to start it up or enough time to do it right. That is the one thing about SWIHA I have to say is that from day 1 they drill it into your head you can and will succeed. They don’t question your ability; they naturally have faith that all of their students will be a stellar success. I thought that was pretty cool since some of us there have serious emotional and physical damage from past issues. Mostly everyone I met was either an addict, a recovering addict, in and out of abusive relationships, or can’t quite nail down what it is they want to do with their life. None of us really fit in mainstream academia. One things is for sure, it is a school for people who need a different way to get well in a way that nothing else had ever worked for any of them. At least that was my story. Remember, I only went the originally to see if I could get my hours for an Arizona massage license. I walked out enrolled in a 2 year degree.

I put it in my head that over Christmas break I would finish my website, my blog, and my Facebook page and have it all published and at least look like I had a business going. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. One morning I sat down on the computer and magic words began to flow out of my fingers and onto the screen. I actually had a feeling like I knew what I was doing. I felt like someone else was possibly ‘driving the car’ but who cares, maybe Spirit knows better about these things. I remember that song by Carrie Underwood (I think) called “Jesus Take the Wheel”, maybe Spirit took the computer. However it happened it kept me clicking keys for 18 days straight. Out of that came every single aspect of how I wanted my business to be. What shocked me more is that I actually believe that this is a formidable business. I know it will be successful and last night I was telling my husband I expect to gross 30,000 a month in the first year. No I wasn’t drunk or high, I was being real. I said the more money we make with this ministry the more we can give it to the people who need it most. God knows we have been there. He stood there and while trying to remain calm about the prospect of 30,000 dollars a month he looked at me and said I “Well, now I guess you can buy that boat you’ve wanted for a while!” Then he said “I always knew you could do anything you set your mind too, I was just waiting for you to discover it too.”

Before I went to bed I went and looked at my website again. I have never taken a web design course and I am the worst touch typer ever. It took me many hours to get it perfect (in my eyes), but I think for the first time in my life I got it right. The more I typed and formulated the more the ideas and plans just seeped out of me and I don’t even know where it came from because I hadn’t planned it out previously. It was magic. My biggest challenge was getting all the my modalities that I am capable of  and love down to about 4. From there I figure with time it will get down to my number one service. I felt I would leave that part open to the Universe, that the people who need me the most will show up in that particular category. If I can trust Spirit to design my website I’m pretty sure They will send me the people I need to help. How wonderful is that? I get to help people heal and help them to feel god about themselves. It’s a beautiful day…I haven’t said that in years…Enjoy!!!

Blessings,

Kristen