Why is Everyone I Date an Idiot??!!

Well, maybe not an idiot but you get the point. Why is it that everyone you date doesn’t seem to have their crap together? Why do you go from person to person to person always finding something wrong with them? Or every relationship you start either goes up in flames or sinks like a ship? For whatever reason there just doesn’t seem to be any reprieve and the last person you dated was worse than the last! Your friends and family are beginning to think you will be eternally single and you think that there will never be the RIGHT person!! Let’s look at that for a moment…..who IS the RIGHT person and why can’t you meet them?

How many of you meet a guy or a girl and everything seems alright until about the third date? Then, after that you seem to find something wrong with them; some habit, their style, the way they chew their food, etc. Or, you think it’s a good idea to talk about meeting your parents and what are their thoughts on marriage? I used to be the kind of person that dated losers. Every guy was worse off than the last; no car, no job, and riding a friend’s couch. My dad would cringe every time he opened the door and see some long-haired, unemployed, guy without a hope in the world. I dated men who hurt me, abused me, lied to me, stole from me..You know the story. The only thing I didn’t have happen was get a venereal disease or get pregnant. No wait, I lied, I did and actually had a miscarriage.

I thought that was as good as I could do, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of dating anyone better. I didn’t feel very good about myself inside, and I didn’t look good on the outside. My outer appearance affected my inner turmoil. I was either angry all the time or heavily intoxicated. I just couldn’t seem to pull it or myself together. I just felt so hopeless, and so desperate to have someone love me I looked in all the wrong places and went with just about any guy. I thought that if someone loved me then everything would be ok. I just wanted someone to make me feel better.

My poor choice in men began when I was a teenager. I dated a guy who lied to me and cheated on me. He cheated because he could…and all the girls loved him and he knew it. I stayed with him for a few years because I believed somewhere in my demented head that he loved me too and if I were just BETTER than I currently was he would stop cheating and be happy with me. I made his cheating problem all about me. I internalized his need for infidelity and made it about myself. Sound familiar? I did everything I could from dressing as pretty as I could, to trying all the hottest sex moves, to being at his beck and call. I was a very sick individual at the time. What I didn’t know that staying with that person would set the precedence for a life of pain, disappointment, and lack of trust in anyone or anything. I already had incredibly low self-esteem when I met this person to begin with and he was the icing on a very shitty cake.

By the time I met my first husband I was 23 and he was 30. I had my children with him and was married for 14 years. My alcoholism continued to escalate because that relationship cemented in me the fact that I was worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and not worth the dirt off of someone’s shoes. I was angry and I was hateful and I just gave up. I figured I would drink myself to death and it will all be over. I believed that this lifetime was just a horrible mistake, besides the birth of my daughters I had no good memories and certainly nothing to look forward to. In my mind it was over…I couldn’t find it within myself to change my perspective. I prayed for death…I prayed that it would come quickly and each morning when I woke up still awake I became even more depressed.

When I finally divorced my husband I rented an apartment with my 2 daughters. I feel sorry for them because they saw me in ways no child should have to see their mother. I can’t change that, but I did change the way I moved forward. I met a nice man, my current husband, and he too had his own unique blend of damage. It was through meeting him that I began to THINK about changing my life, I just didn’t know how. He inspired me to be a better mother for my children and a better woman for my own sake. I had no idea how to go about it but by exchanging stories and learning from each other I began to think maybe……just maybe I had a second chance in me….maybe.

After a 3 year long distant relationship I eventually moved to Arizona with my daughters. While my relationship with Leif was OK, we both were experiencing residual problems from our first marriages. He was married to his first wife for 17 years and he too has 2 children. What we have learned through our education to become Life Coaches is that until we resolve the initial incidents that caused the problems we currently have we are doomed to repeat the choices of the past. We will make the same benevolent choices over and over again and it doesn’t matter WHO we date, our behavior will naturally occur. To move forward and get into healthy, fulfilling, and long lasting relationships with quality people the changes must occur from within us.

The one thing I know just as equally as I know about addiction is love and the lack there of it. I know that the work I had to do over the past 2 years was paramount in my relationship recovery. I had to heal the broken parts of me before I could really see who I was AND where I wanted to go. My husband had to go through it as well to heal his issues. Then, together we learned to encapsulate the true essence of a loving, trusting marriage. The work is hard, and reliving some situations are painful but until we get dirty and really release those problems and those people we won’t have the relationships we want with anyone!

It isn’t just about having a happy marriage; relationship recovery is for all the relationships in your life including your children, your parents, co-workers and the general public. Only you can make the changes necessary for your success. You can’t hold the world hostage because of your previous experiences! Potential partners do not deserve what has happened to your, and they can’t be punished for your poor choices of the past and the damage you have received. That is OUR problem, not there’s and if we do treat each new person like our last partner..we will never find what we are looking for. It will only repeat itself time and time again!

Relationship Recovery is for all people in all phases of life and it doesn’t matter if you are married or single. It doesn’t matter if you have been married for 50 years or 5 minutes, the time to make those critical changes is now. If you’re single, this is a perfect time to address your personal issues and prepare yourself for a relationship that is worthy of you! Nothing will change until you do…..

To learn more see www.sacredcircleministry.com!

In Light!

Kristen

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Relationship Coaching

As Leif and I really step out into this ministry we are seeing more and more of a need for Relationship Coaching. SO MANY couples are in crisis right now be it financially, physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, etc. The past 5-6 years for most of us have been exceptionally difficult because of the economy and the amount of loss many of us have suffered. While we have been busy trying to repair our credit, our lives, our families, and our careers we haven’t done anything about our marriage or partnership! We just don’t put enough emphasis on it and think that it will all work itself out in the end. That end MAY be divorce court!

By NOT acknowledging what IS happening, right now, will end you up in divorce court. I know, and so does my “new” husband because we are both divorced. It isn’t anything I would recommend for anyone unless you have a situation that obviously calls for it. If you think you have experienced loss with the economy and your career, it fails in comparison to what you loose through divorce especially if you have children.

The number one thing I see today with couples is the FEAR to to COMMUNICATE about your commitment with each other. I don’t mean just the basic day to day conversation, I mean sitting down face to face, and having a CONVERSATION with each other about your feelings, concerns, ideas, and where this is going. Not yelling, not blaming, not finger pointing, and making excuses but TALKING, albeit passionately, about what is important to you and how you feel. When was the last time you had a conversation with your other half and really asked how their day was and truly cared? Or asked what you both would like to do in the next year, or 5 years, or even Saturday night?

Instead, we turn to friends, co-workers, family, the delivery guy and anyone else who has an ear. Anyone that is able to tolerate us telling the same story over and over again about how unhappy we are with our partner and if they would just do this one thing every thing would be ok bla, bla, bla!! UGH! How many of you do this? I did, for 17 years…and so did my current husband for 20 years!! His best friend told him “Look, until you deal with this, stop talking about it!” Alrighty then….’nough said.

What’s wrong with that picture?

While many of those people mean well with their advice, however, do they have your best intentions at heart? Do they not like your partner and use this opportunity to infiltrate their own agenda? Are they after your partner and are using this all as helpful information? What is their own relationship status like, what makes then an authority? Be careful who you share your dirty laundry with because there may be people looking to start trouble. Keep your family business between you and your family, always.

Now, I know that our partners may not be easy to talk with and often a simple discussion turns into a screaming match. It’s because BOTH of you are exhausted and frustrated. Both of you are like a match and when the other opens their mouth that is the fire to spark it. What once was a simple hello can quickly turn into a giant F*** Y**! The same argument surfaces time and time gain with each of you yelling louder and LOUDER so desperate to be heard!! You both just want to be heard and acknowledged, and the other won’t budge…you both HAVE to be right..sound familiar?

Yet we live in the same house together. We may not be in the same bed or share meals but we are in the house still….so….there may be a chance to turn this thing around. If not, then let’s get that out in the open as well. No sense on sitting on a divorce if that is where your heart truly lays. Coaching can also be a safe place to bring it up AND you may find the other person has been feeling the same way. or, you may find that it is an open window to begin dialogue.

Being a divorced couple, we know first hand the stresses couples face. We both were in long term marriages, we both have children, and we both thought we would never get divorced yet we both were the ones to file for the divorce. We understand your plight, we understand the complexity and we have been through MANY circumstances in our marriages and with each other and can address certain private matters safely and discreetly. It doesn’t matter your age, sexual orientation, race, or religion we all face challenges.

In an effort to expand our business and bring awareness to the world about the power of COACHING we are offering 2 couples a unique opportunity to enter your partnership into Relationship Coaching! You and your partner are eligible to receive 3 (THREE) 90 minute coaching sessions with my husband and I for 3 weeks. This way both sides feel represented and it isn’t 2 against 1! That is ONE session a week for THREE weeks. If you are interested please read the following and apply! We will be accepting applications for the next 5 days until March 11 and you will notified by email by March 13 if you were selected.

The Program

Are you LIVING AUTHENTICALY in your current relationship? Being AUTHENTIC means being who you truly are inside and outside of your relationship. That when you are either with your partner or out in the world you don’t have to change hats, you can truly be your happy and expressive self! You encourage each other to grow and expand. You nurture each other and take interest in their interests. You’re explorative and want to be adventurous. Being AUTHENTIC is not stifling your partners growth or possibilities while learning to create your own.

Does any of the following ring true for you with your partner:

• Have a spiritual connection.
• MUTUALLY satisfying sexual connection.
• Happy, successful, and growing TOGETHER!
• Truly able to express your love FREELY and without reserve.
• Share common goals, plans, desires!
• Happy to see each other at the end of the day!
• Have a direction that you are going in!
• Building a strong family foundation.
• Encouraging the other to follow their dreams.
• Being YOURSELF in all ways!

Or

• Lack of spiritual connection to each other
• Your partner doesn’t seem to understand you.
• You feel scared to talk about your true feelings.
• You feel humiliated in front of your partner.
• Your sex life is not satisfying.
• There is no sex life.
• You want to experience new things and they don’t.
• One or both of you have had an affair.
• Your growing apart and in different directions.
• Bringing up the past, playing the blame game.
• One of you is chronically ill.
• Parenting differences.

Why Coaching and not Therapy?

In certain circumstances traditional therapy does have its place. Relationship Coaching works differently than traditional therapy by not concentrating on the past but how do we move forward from here! The PAST IS OVER and we can’t go back and change it! So let it GO! If both members are willing, Relationship Coaching can help breath fresh, EXCITING life into a tired, worn out union! Traditional therapy keeps us in the “why”. Coaching is about action and we don’t care about the ‘why” we are concerned with the “how” and the “what”? How do we move forward and what steps do we take? That is coaching.

Directions

If you are interested in turning your current relationship around please send me and email at kristen@sacredcircleministry.com  with the basis if the problem you are having, your concerns and your desired result. This will be for 3 90 minute sessions, for 3 weeks. You both will be required to be present and have a desire to DO the work – no matter how dark and messy, and be willing to be vulnerable. BIG changes are going to occur! We are primarily looking for couples who would seriously benefit from this experience but could otherwise not afford it. To find out more about Leif and I and how we Coach visit us at www.scaredcircleministry.com and learn how we can help you!!

Thank you and Blessings Abound!

~Kristen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Become Who You Decide To BE!

WOW! This was very powerful for me~! Years of thought and figuring have been summed up in a matter of minutes. And I mean yyyeeeaaarrrsssss…..this has been the week of AWAKENING for Kristen. We go to a non-denominational church here in the valley every Sunday and the pastor had a very powerful message today, as always. He said that “We are the sum of all of our decisions”. We made a particular choice every step of the way in life to get to where we are right now! Every single step was made by us, calculated by us, decided by us, and fulfilled by us. “You are on the path to somewhere, when you are doing your path.”

I really let that set in. I can’t remember the exact analogy he used but it was similar to a man crossing the street and the series of events it took for this man to actually cross the street. Like taking a step, lifting one leg, then the other, turning right, turning left, etc. It was many small precise steps that equaled one large endeavor; crossing the street. He went on to say that is how our life is; we make very precise decisions to get to where we are today. To get from her to there, there is a series of events that have to taker place. There is no waking up and asking “How the hell did I get here?”  We know…we know how we got there. Whether be it using drugs, stealing money, or being unfaithful we made every decision. Whatever it is You/I/We knew EXACTLY what we were doing each and EVERY step of the WAY.  Even if we want to lie to ourselves and believe we were seduced or taken against our will, something happened in those events that we made a choice to be there, no matter how small. When we open ourselves up to even the smallest of opportunities we also open ourselves to the largest of circumstances. Good, bad, or indifferent. 

I have been in SO many predicament’s asking myself repeatedly either catastrophically drunk or agonizingly hung over:

• How the hell did I get here?
• What the hell did I do to deserve this?
• What the F*** was I thinking?
• What is wrong with me?
• Why do I do this to myself?
• Why does everyone hate me?
• God has it in for me!!

Ok, I’ll admit, even when I was sober I still asked some of the same questions…I’d be so overwhelmed with either guilt or surprise that I’d look for anyTHING or anyONE to blame it on. I’d blame my parents, my childhood, my ex boyfriend, a teacher, a bystander – anything to save myself from the stark realization that I have been the total demise of my life. I couldn’t stand to bear the fact that I could do this to myself. What was my motivation?Why would I create such a cluster****!! So much darkness, so much pain, and  so much self destruction….Why??

Well, for a long time I didn’t know. I’ll be honest up until Wednesday I still didn’t know. I thought I did, but after that hypnosis session on Wednesday I realized that it was the path I created was for my own lessons to learn, and the ultimate lesson was LOVE. In order for me to experience Love in it’s fullness and achieve the spiritual growth I desire, I had to work for it. Sometimes, the work is unpleasant yet everything worth having requires work we don’t quite want to do. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. I must have HUGE plans for myself in the Heavens after this life time because I tell you, I have done the work!

I’m ok with it now though, I Became Who I Decided To BE! I became HER in order to fulfill my life purpose. When I look back it all makes sense, and I have released the remaining parts of me that I was holding on to. I know this trip isn’t over but for the first time ever I am excited to be on it! I don’t worry like I used to. This week has changed me forever and for the good. I feel so grateful to be able to heal myself AND have a career that I can help others heal themselves! It’s a beautiful week!

I invite you to look at your life, what sense can you make of your it?

Who Did You Decide To Become?

In Light,

Kristen

 

 

Trust

How trusting are you in your life? Do you feel insecure and have low self esteem? Do you get jealous easily? Do you feel like you can’t believe what people tell you? Have you been cheated on and lied to? What led you to not having trust in your life? Would you be interested in learning how to get it back, even if it meant some hard work?

I have had problems with trust for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from my childhood and living in such an unstable environment. My father was an alcoholic and he literally drank every day of my life until I was 18 years old. I never felt stable, or secure, I always felt uneasy and not knowing what was going to happen next. Those memories haunt me until today. I say haunts because my memories feel like ghosts just hanging out that I can’t send back to the light.

Growing up a I had a few boyfriends but one guy became the love of my life as a teenager. I never really had anyone to love or say “I love you’ to me like that. I felt like love was something I would never experience so when he told me that he loved me I believed him. We were together for a few years. We were two peas in a pod and totally inseparable. Then he cheated on me, not once but several times. He even cheated on me with my best friend and probably more people than I care to know. I forgave him, and I forgave him again. My friends and family thought I was crazy but I thought if I loved him enough he wouldn’t cheat on me. I felt like it was all my fault. I did everything I could; I always dressed nice, I kept myself thin, I was athletic, I was very sexual and adventurous, and I always thought of him first. None of it mattered. He was a cheater and I found out that 30 years later he is still is….. and he has a 3rd wife.

I had a string of just less than good relationships that I am not even going to go into. But the final straw was when I dated another guy who was also an alcoholic he also slept with ANOTHER friend of mine. The hits just kept coming. I felt like the biggest LOSER God ever created so I packed up my stuff and moved to California. That’s when I really got into trouble, that’s when I really started with the drugs. I did not want to feel anything or anyone I just wanted to be as stoned, as stoned could be. No lie, I just packed it up and shipped it out. I had enough of Detroit and I was moving on.

I was lonely and desperate using drugs at an early age because I needed comfort. I needed a safe place to fall. I also looked to men for that comfort and while I was fun for them to play around with, they fell short on the commitment side. I truly was looking for love in all the wrong places. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong with these men!  What I learned later was the choices in men that I made, not what I did wrong. I was so far down emotionally I wasn’t in the right mindset to place value on myself. I didn’t know I was really a good person and deserved to be treated nicely and with respect. I thought I deserved all of the mistreatment I had received.

I kicked the drugs and came back to Michigan, and I met my first husband. Out of the frying pan and RIGHT into the fire. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, he was an older guy, good looking, had plenty of money and loved to party. I married him and while he was always faithful and never cheated on me, his verbal abuse killed off any self esteem and security I had left. After a few years into the relationship I felt so bad about myself I didn’t believe anyone would want me. I dove deeper and deeper into alcohol desperately trying to kill any nerve ending that was exposed so I would not have to feel any more pain. I would drink myself to sleep every night until I passed out, I couldn’t stand to be awake. There were times I still prayed for death because death would have been so much better.

After the divorce I had NO trust or faith in men or women. I didn’t have any hope in myself or even in my outlook. I was truly hope-less. I worked a job every day, struggled to feed my kids, and just still prayed for death because that would be the relief I so desperately needed from this life. Then things began to change. I met a man, who is now my husband, who had equally the same amount of damage but in different ways. We had a long distance relationship so we spent HOURS talking on the phone about our lives, our marriages, and our situations. Gradually, through sharing stores and developing a relationship we began to heal big chunks of ourselves.

Fast forward today and I am much stronger and healthier than what I was…except for one little thing. Trust. I still can not seem to let myself trust on a level that would allow me to live a much more meaningful life. I worry, I get in my own way, and I wish it would stop. I wish I could just wake up and ENJOY the day and not have these worries and thoughts. I wish I could feel more confident.

I have found great strength much improvement through Hypnotherapy, in particular Subconscious Intervention. By way of hypnotic trance I was actually able to go back and have a conversation with my father and ask him questions about why he was the way he was. I found our he was doing the best he could based on the information he had at the time. He had his own problems in childhood and he truly was acting out of what he knew. Just like I did, I was drunk almost every single day of my kids lives until they were 16, so I understood. I also learned that the men in my life who hurt me did so because I allowed it. I had co-dependency issues, love addiction, alcoholism, and I was a mess! I hug out with people who were in the same boat as me.

Thee are so many healing possibilities with Hypnotherapy! If you are ready to take a step forward in your life and begin to look at these ghosts you have hanging around, Hypnotherapy offers so many different ways of achieving that. Please visit my website at http://sacredcircleministry.com and look into the Hypnotherapy area. You can learn ways to release those feelings and gain incredible insight into your life. No matter how far down you are, and I was down, you can get back up again, you can have a beautiful life!!

The damage did not get there over night and it will not leave over night. I know there are many of you with stories similar and much worse than mine. I believe by sharing my stories I will show that there are ways to get better, ways you may not have ever thought about. If you or someone you know is having problems moving forward in life, please send them to my website! Thank you!

In light,

Kristen