What Exactly is a Life Coach?

*This article is the first of a 3 part series regarding the Advanced Life Coaching Seminar I attended this past weekend at the South West Institute of Healing Arts (SWIHA) and the events leading up to it. This is a story of phenomenal spiritual growth and awareness that can occur when someone trusts their instincts and opens themselves up to possibilities of God/Universe/Spirit.*

When I first started Life Coaching many of my my friends asked me “What the heck is a Life Coach?”   I said “I’m not exactly sure… but I think it’s what I am supposed to be doing.” I owned an eyelash extension studio, in fact, I had just started the business but somehow I already knew I made a mistake. I showed up on a Friday night for the weekend intensive Life Coaching kick off. After listening to the facilitators talk about what Life Coaching was and how it would impact my life and how I will be changed forever it sounded pretty intriguing. My life was a complete mess at the moment, so I was game. We were divided into groups of 2 and I went through the weekend in a series of very uncomfortable exercises that involved asking “powerful” questions of my partner in order to find out where they had hidden obstacles or blocks in their life. Everyone was talking about these powerful questions, I kept asking myself “What does that mean, a powerful question? Am I the only person who doesn’t get this? What are powerful questions and how do I find them, are they on a list somewhere or something?”

Everyone seemed to know what to do and everyone I was paired up with was not very encouraging. Then we went through some very pleasant guided meditations so I really enjoyed that. I felt relaxed and thought ok well, this is kind of cool. I never really did that before, go through a guided meditation. It’s a form of hypnosis designed to quiet your mind and allow you to look deep within yourself. Then all of a sudden, people were crying, claiming “spiritual break-through” and enormous healing was taking place. Everyone was hugging, saying that God was in the house and all of this was a Divine appointment. All this excitement and people laughing and claiming to feel God and see God. I thought” Why would God be in a Life Coaching seminar? What did I stumble into? What did I get myself into?” I was NOT at all religious and barely had any spirituality about me, and I really didn’t care to try it on at the moment. I was actually kind of perturbed at the fact we were discussing “religion” at a public seminar.

Over all, it was a nice seminar. The facilitators’ were extraordinary in the fact I never heard this kind of talk before, it was a new way of learning things as they introduced a new perspective to life. Although I didn’t understand it all I was at least interested in hearing more. Something just kept telling me I had to be there. They really laid into the fact of having to have a spiritual base, a foundation of something to believe in greater than ourselves, that we were not created to be here alone, we are in Spirit always. I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist. We refer to God as God, Universe,Spirit, or GUS. They said “We are Spirits Beings having a Human Experience.” More religion, I thought, but it wasn’t SO bad. As Life Coaches, in their perspective, we need a spiritual balance because the answers for our clients  don’t come from us. During a coaching session the answers come from the client. We are simply a conduit, or a vessel for God/Spirit/The Universe to flow through us and work with the client. We just keep vigilant, or hold space, listen and be supportive. We ask open ended questions (found out that’s what “powerful” meant) designed to let the client look deep with in themselves to find their own answers. In coaching we believe the client holds all the answers for themselves. When working in a spiritual nature, we allow Spirit to be a part of the process allowing for the highest attainment of knowledge and assistance. Ok, that’s not so bad I guess, I began trying it on…a little.

The last exercise involved a small business portion where we had to work in groups of 3’s and pitch our Life Coaching business. We had to pretend we had a business card and do little 1 minute presentations to each other about why we would be great coaches. Ok cool, I’m a business owner this will be a breeze. So, I get in my group, made my presentation and this lady looked at me and said “That is the worst “sell” I have ever heard in my entire life. If you gave me your business card I would tear it up and throw it in the garbage. You’re terrible!” Alrighty then….maybe Life Coaching wasn’t in my future.

I did somehow find the courage to come back for the 10 week course and upon entering the class I saw someone in there I did not want to see. Someone I had a large problem with in the past. My head is reeling now, what is going on here? My teacher took the attitude with me that I was “in my head” and I think somewhere in his head at the time dismissed me as being potentially nuts. I felt like everyone was against me, everything just was an unpleasant experience and I had no idea why. I was uncomfortable, terrified, lonely, and unsure. So with that in mind I came back every week, twice a week still trying to figure out what powerful questions were and how I was going to change my life and others. All around me at school people kept talking about how amazing Life Coaching is and I looked at them in such dismay thinking What was so wonderful? What wasn’t I getting? Why are my sessions so stumbly? What is wrong with me?

What I didn’t know at the moment was that I was having a Spiritual Crisis. I had been operating my whole life with out any kind of spiritual foundation. I believed in God, that “someone” may have been up there, but I didn’t think He was for me. I felt like my crimes of the past were too severe for God, plus somewhere it didn’t make sense to me. I have never talked about religion or had any interest in it, really. I dabbled in a few things here or there but here, in this school, Spirit was everywhere, I was faced with the daily dilemma of hearing about it and the teachers bringing “It” into our class. I used to think “Can’t we do all this work with out God being involved?” Thank God that was one of the few times I decided NOT to voice my thoughts, I would have totally embarrassed myself.

Even though I had left Michigan 3 years prior and found sobriety, I had a whole lot of baggage that I needed to address and dismantle and the only way to do it was through Spirit. My husband lovingly pushed me along on this path, somewhere probably hoping that I would hear the message I needed to hear to finally get well. I wasn’t happy about being at SWIHA anymore; I felt rebellion building up in me and I was becoming angry at the thought of being there, talking about God and the Angels and Spirit guides and all that other stuff. I wasn’t getting along well in the class and started really disliking Life Coaching. I wasn’t making any friends and I began pulling myself back deeper with in my shell. I began feeling overwhelmed with sadness and guilt.

Little did I know what would happen next….

Advertisement

 

10 Ways to End Gossip and Heal Your Soul!!

Have you ever had anyone gossip about you? Ever have someone spread untrue stories about you, and make your life miserable?  I believe it is an actual assault on our character and it doesn’t matter if it is true or not because it still does damage, sometimes damage that can not be repaired. When you are gossiped about your surroundings can becomes a scary place, you suddenly don’t know who you can trust and even those closest to you can become suspect. It creates fear and worry and depending on the type and amounted talk going on, it can downright ruin someone’s life. People have even been known to take their own life. Look at the stories of school kids being tormented so much they would rather die than be talked about so much. I feel that is extreme, yes, but it wasn’t to the person living it. When we choose to create lies, listen to lies, and spread lies we are actively taking a part in a person’s demise, whether we intend to or not, it is what happens.

Gossip is just like most addictive behavior; it stems from people with low self esteem and low self worth. They feel better by making people feel as bad as they do. They get a response from the pleasure part of the brain in the Limbic system, encouraging them to continue the behavior. When they make someone feel bad, they feel good. People that are addicted to gossip usually have some kind of emotional or physical challenge that doesn’t make them feel very good about themselves. It can be anything from being over weight to having acne to not being a good driver. It really doesn’t matter what the cause of it the action is, it still elicits’ the same behavior.

Now, what is unique about gossip addiction as opposed to alcohol and drug addiction is initially the substance abusing individual isn’t hurting anyone but themselves. Their dependency eventually grows until it effects everyone around them. With gossip addiction it begins as an all out war on every individual they seem worthy of their abuse. It’s only when it backfires and people become aware of them and their work does the addict feel it.  They can go long periods without feeling the direct effect of their work and often they have more than one individual that they are actively gossiping about a time. When they are finally found out it can be an incredibly explosive dramatic situation.

Gossip addicts like to recruit other people into their addiction as well, they usually look for people who have even lower self esteem than themselves. This gives the addict a sense of power and a sense of control.  They often threaten the weaker individual and question their loyalty constantly. The unsuspecting recruit is often afraid of the gossip addict, has minimal friends, and is scared to speak up for themselves or anyone else. They find a sense of safety and companionship with the addict and can act as a spy or are always on the look out to bring back news about the person they are talking about. This creates a reward response in the helper and since they are already so far down this feels good to them, that someone is noticing them and they feel loved. This is quite similar to a domestic violence situation; the abused seeks affirmation from the abuser.

The gossip addict can ultimately collect quite a few individuals in their group in a relatively short time. They are usually new in town, new at a job, or new in the area for some reason. They move from one situation to the next looking for people because they are ran out of so many other locations once they are found out about. They tend to be loners until they get their little group going.

There are varying degrees of gossip addiction and each has it’s own harmful characteristics. Some are office spy’s who love to tell the boss what everyone is up to and saying about them. There may be the community ‘watch dog’ spreading gossip about the neighbors and what goes on in their homes. It could be at the kids school; meddling staff with information they aren’t supposed to share. Other parents who gossip are within their clicks. It can even be in your own family with a member who just has it out for you, everyone is afraid to confront them because of their bullying behavior. It doesn’t matter where it is or who it is, it is the damage that they feel compelled to create in order to feel better about themselves. In the United state it is an overwhelming amount of gossip addiction. 1 in every 3 people have a problem with keeping their mouths shut! Have you seen Facebook? The celebrity gossip shows? Your neighborhood? Your workplace??

My question is who is responsible for their actions? Who is responsible for the fall out they cause? Depending on what the gossip is about someone may lose their job, which could result in complete financial devastation and even homelessness.  It can cause severe problems in a family that marriages and family bonds can be broken forever. Parents can be threatened to have their kids taken away. Don’t scoff I know someone that is happening to right now and she is having a lawsuit against them. Ex-spouses partners sometimes start gossip; they feel betrayed, left out, or dumped and lash out not realizing the damage they are doing is ultimately to their own children.

How do you get a gossip addict to treatment? Good question, I haven’t found a treatment center yet, I say yet because it may be a possibility. Until then there are a few things you can do to protect yourself and not set yourself up to be gossiped about. If you personally feel that you are being gossiped about or your reputation and ethics are being discussed you have the right to know. By getting to the core of the situation quickly and effectively can hopefully negate a bulk of the damage.

One point I would like to stress deeply:

If you know that someone  that is being talked about in negative and potentially hurtful ways, please find a way to let the person know what is happening immediately. Keeping silent is no different than the gossiper.

Ask the person in question whether the stories are true, don’t take opinions and thoughts of others as truth. We don’t know their agenda, we don’t know why they are speaking these things. If children are repeating information, and it is not a child abuse situation, ask one or both of the parents if the story is true! Taking the word of a child with out asking the parents for confirmation can only lead to deeper problems. Children can have their own motive for causing trouble too. I learned that in one of my classes, especially in divorce cases.

10 Ways to End Gossip and Heal Your Soul

1. First of all take a good look at yourself. Is anything they are saying have an air of truth to it? Are you always late for work? Do you take advantage of your friends? Are you disrespectful to family members? Take an emotional inventory on yourself and see if you are giving anyone a reason to be talking.

2. Clean up your act. If you have pieces of information just hanging out there online, clean up your digital dirt. Anything you have done online can still be found. Don’t give anyone any unnecessary fuel. DO NOT advertise your family or personal problems online. Don’t announce you’re fighting with your partner, you hate your job or boss, or how you hate your family. Just keep it light….keep it social.

3.  Don’t gossip yourself. Mind your own business, and make sure your family does the same. If there are children in the home instruct them to not talk about personal matters that go on in your home, especially between the parents. If mom and dad are having problems that is not the information to share with others.

3. If other family members or ex spouses/partners are ASKING for information from the kids, remind your children that personal matters between the parents such as the relationship, arguing,  finances, and other things are not to be discussed with others. If the children feel that they are always being pumped for information ask them to tell you first and you will handle it because you are an adult.

5. If it is made known to you that the children are being asked for information address the situation immediately!  Make it known that this behavior will not be tolerated for any reason. If it continues then set a consequence and stick to it. Make sure the children aren’t “in trouble” with the other parent over this.

6. At the workplace, always conduct yourself accordingly and don’t feed the fire. Do your best always, don’t be late, don’t take people’s food, and don’t talk about your boss or management to anyone! Keep your area clean and efficient, be sure to be a positive team member, and honor the rules of the workplace. Don’t show up thinking the rules don’t apply to you and you can get away with things. Cute only goes so far, especially with other women. Keep your mouth shut and do your best.

7. Make it known that you are aware of talk going on and you are on a mission to find out who it is from and what it is in regards to. I know some professionals may say to just let it go, and that may work some of the time, but often it just keeps getting worse. Like with bullying, if you don’t address it, the damage may not  be repairable later. Once you make it known you know, people begin to get really nervous and it may inadvertently “out’ the perpetrator.

8. Be prepared. Often gossip involves lies stemming from people who think they know something, or have been told something they think is the truth. Of course it has been salted and peppered along the way so it may be really skewed by the time it reaches you. What may have been one single circumstance has grown into a nightmare of epic proportion. It may be painful that anyone even believed that about you, and didn’t ask you first, they just believed it…..

9. The gossip may be turn out to be true. The result of your past and a life you have left far behind is now showing up. It may be twisted a little and exaggerated or parts changed but you still recognize it as being true. Well, at least it is out now. It is no more a secret. Depending on the severity of it and the circumstances involved it may involve some painful conversations you hadn’t planned on yet, if ever.  You can enlist a professional to help you with that process, if necessary.

A Coach can bring in a whole family and allow for open and honest dialogue in a safe and loving manner. Before you get too upset know that we have all done things we are not proud of and many of us are NOT the same person we were before. You may find it incredibly healing to address the truth and deal with it properly. Sometimes the things we think are the worst, often aren’t as bad as we imagined.

10. Moving forward. After the smoke has cleared and the truth is out and all the people involved are discovered you can look at all the cards laid out on the table, so to speak. Working with a Life Coach can help you not only heal from the experience but learn from it. What type of lesson has this taught us? How has our Soul benefitted? You may find tremendous relief to release this burden and finally let it go. Forgive yourself, find it in your heart to forgive those who played a part. You don’t have to invite them back into your life, but don’t keep them bound to you by holding a grudge.

Going through a process like this may seem daunting and people are always tempted to sweep things under the rug. Sweeping things under the rug just results in a bigger lump under the rug, it doesn’t go anywhere, it just keeps getting bigger. Taking back control of your life and showing there is accountability for negative actions taken against you is often enough to stop the behavior. This continues to build our self esteem and self worth, it opens dialogue with people in ways that can bring healing and happiness to your life again.

Blessings!

Kristen

 

Setting Boundaries and Other Uncomfortable Things

What are Boundaries, exactly? Boundaries are clear, precise, unwavering lines drawn in the sand around you that let’s other people know how you engage in the world, how you expect to be treated, and what the ramifications are if those boundaries are not met. Now, I know that sounds kind of harsh and highly uncomfortable but that quintessentially is what boundaries are about. They let people know right off the bat what is allowed by you and what is not. It isn’t a license to act like a fool and think you can call the shots and not take responsibility, veritably, it is the exact act of taking responsibility for your actions and making others accountable for their actions. Boundaries state how you expect to be treated, how you treat people in return, and what are the consequences for their actions. If we don’t have at least some kind of thought about how we want to be treated and what is acceptable and what is not then it gives people free reign to walk all over you. You are allowing it to happen and it will continue to happen until you create healthy and effective boundaries.

One of the biggest obstacles I faced in sobriety and even more so in my drinking is that I didn’t have healthy limitations with people. I said and did things I am not proud of. I engaged in behavior that was not cool and I hurt people. I also allowed myself to become almost like a doormat; I allowed people to mistreat me and  I accepted the abuse. I almost expected it. I had been treated badly by men my whole life what was one more? I had unhealthy boundaries’ at my jobs as well; out of scarcity I allowed myself to be worked into the ground like a dog. I let my bosses talk to me like shit and then gobble up the scraps they fed me because I felt like I had to. I stayed with a boyfriend who cheated on me repeatedly because I felt that I was doing something wrong to make him cheat. Do you know that it is 30 years later and when I spoke to him last he was cheating on his 3rd wife!  I stayed in an unhealthy marriage because I couldn’t see that I was worth more. I let “friends’’’ use me because I was too afraid of not having any.

Lately, I have allowed a whole bunch of activity, from multiple arena’s, to go on because I didn’t stand up for  myself from the beginning. I have felt that I would be causing trouble for someone else, I kept hoping it would just stop, but it has gotten so much worse. I have allowed myself to be talked about like some kind of 2.00 whore that was dragged in off the street. That’s the heart of it, I allowed myself to experience all of these things, because I did not have clear, precise, unwavering lines drawn in the sand saying what is acceptable and what is not. This is a huge step in my spiritual and personal growth albeit a painful one. I know that God/The Universe is guiding me to address this situation once and for all.

Now you may ask “What do I do carry around a 3×5 card and hand it to people and say hey, this is how I want o be treated?” Well, not exactly but kind of! I have a whole coaching session for boundaries but this is a good starter exercise. I recommend doing this after the anger and hurt has subsided some, but allow for a little of the passion to resonate. Let’s begin with your biggest boundary issue. Sit and think what about your current situation is bothering you. Begin writing out what has happened and why you feel the way you do. Begin your list by writing all the things you don’t like about it and how it makes you feel.Then begin thinking about your own character and how you show up in the world, what is it people see and experience through you? What about you needs some adjusting? Write down those ideas too. Nothing is ever all someone else’s fault. Make a list of the ways you want to shift your thinking, what thoughts empower you, what make you feel good about yourself? Write down all your emotions.

Then on a nice piece of paper, or even a 3×5 card if you wish write down your boundaries. For example;

• I will not allow “———–“ to say those things to me anymore and if she does then “———-“ is going to happen.
• I will not allow my” ————-“ to scream and holler at me in front of people anymore and if they do”………” will happen.
• I will not allow”————-“ to damage my life through gossip and lies and if it continues”—————“ will happen.

For this to be effective you must create a consequence you know you will follow through on or else it won’t work. They will call your bluff, immediately! You have to create an action you know you can deliver. I know it is so hard. I know it’s easier to just say ‘Oh well it’s ok  bla, bla bla…” Enough, it’s time to get tough and let them know you are serious. You don’t have to scream at them, but it may require working past your comfort level. You may feel a huge stretch as you step even further into your greatness, but God/The Universe is with you every step of the way. May I suggest prayer, or meditation, or some kind of focal exercise to create and enact the process,

Once complete tape it to your bathroom mirror or kitchen cabinet. Make a copy an put it in your car. Put one in your purse, in your wallet, anywhere you can see it, place a copy. The more the Mind sees it and hears it, it begins to believe it. It can be a terrifying encounter the first time you step up to the plate. You can state your case calmly and clearly and be prepared for a whole lot of emotion from that person or group of people. Often, they may not be aware of their actions or they get angry and upset because they got caught. You don’t have to go into any great explanations just state your feelings. You may even want to practice with a friend to gain confidence. In time your faith and self esteem will build but it’s a start to stop the madness as I call it.

It’s kind of like Al-Anon for the alcoholic or drug addict during an Intervention. If they don’t choose sobriety then they are cut out of the the family and left to fend for themselves. That encourages the addict to seek treatment in rehab faster because now they have no support. Creating boundaries encourages others to treat you with respect because if they don’t there are consequences to pay. When people see you changing, they then are forced into change and it causes a ripple effect out in the Universe. It causes other people to treat you with respect as well and it grows and grows and grows until you are healthy, happy and confident! It takes time but it does happen! You didn’t get in this position overnight, you will not solve it overnight either.

People do not have to like you, but they do not have the right to disrespect you. Ever.

In light,

Kristen

 

Considering Having an Affair?

Face it, at one time or another in any of your relationships you have thought about “stepping out” on the other. Maybe it was with that really smart, good looking guy at the party or an interesting women that just got hired at your job. What started out as simple conversation grew into this ravenous affair that you have no idea how it began. All of a sudden you have this cozy little love affair that no one knows about. This person drew life into your tired and miserable marriage. Maybe they spoke a kind word that your ears longed to hear, or a gentle touch of your face that long had been ignored. They said you were beautiful and touched your body like you were a Goddess. Or, she didn’t notice you were graying and had gained 15 pounds since high school but thought you were so handsome. It’s the same for men and women; we feel the same way when we are neglected, forgotten about and under appreciated. I’m not talking about people who need their ego’s continually stroked, I’m talking about people who are in long term relationships or marriage’s where they feel abandoned, lost, and broken.

One might think well ”What would an affair hurt? My spouse doesn’t care about me anymore, he thinks I’m fat and stupid and tells me so daily! It would serve him right, maybe he would notice me then!” Or a man saying “My wife doesn’t appreciate a single thing I do; she won’t have sex with me, she never says anything nice to me and just uses me like an ATM! I deserve to have another woman in my life she think’s I’m special and I work hard all week long!!” No truer words have been spoken out of either’s mouth. Or so they think.

When being faced with neglect and withdrawal in a marriage or relationship many people feel desperate and think that having an affair or extracurricular activities are not only appropriate but they deserve it. They deserve to feel love and appreciation. Some may feel that it’s a form of punishing their spouse, teaching them a lesson for treating you so bad. Resentment turns into revenge, anger turns into spite, and love turns to hate. Oh so many emotions and pain flowing around in your head…it would be so easy to just slip away and indulge….We do deserve to have love and appreciation but I promise you cheating is not the way to go. You may think you are punishing the other but in reality, you are only punishing yourself.

The ‘person’ you are getting back at is not going to feel the pain of the affair like you are. Guilt, shame, regret, fear, anxiety, the lies, the deceit, the deed…it only sinks you lower than the person you are getting back at. It may seem thrilling and exciting and the “other” may feel the same way. The drama, the scheming, and the lust push you both into an ulterior existence. They find you irresistible, sexy, smart and you passionately count the minutes until your next meeting. All along you have your dirty little secret in your pocket like a million dollar bill and you are so smug, and so sure this is the best thing ever. But then it crashes………..and it will crash.

You begin to look at yourself and see that you have turned into something you never thought you would: a liar and a cheater. You sold your soul for a good time, and a few good words. The pain you have put into your own heart will take along time to wash away. You didn’t let your spouse down so much as you let yourself down. It all started off so innocently, or so it seemed,  and now it’s a giant mess.You can’t take it back and it won’t go away. All of a sudden these thoughts come rushing to your head: What was I thinking? Why did I do this? What is going to happen? How do I make it stop? Oh my God, what am I going to do???

Well, you could wake up and realize it’s all a bad dream, that you really didn’t partake in the adventure. You could take a good long look in the mirror at yourself and see what about you needs to grow and change to have a successful relationship with your spouse. You could initiate difficult conversation with them and ask them how they feel about the relationship and share your feelings with each other. I know that sounds painfully awkward, embarrassing, and maybe even scary. Yet, if you’re willing to go there you may be pleasantly surprised. They may feel the exact same way as you. The above people having an affair is really a couple cheating on each other. They both felt the same way, looking for the same things from other people. Repairing a broken relationship is not easy and sometimes it isn’t possible but I promise you, it is better than the before story.

Change with anything begins with us instead of pointing our finger and telling someone what is wrong with them. In Relationship Coaching, the coach acts as a mediator, a person to ask the hard questions and initiate that difficult conversation and help bring resolve. I can teach you how to hear and truly listen to what your partner is saying with out prejudice and assumption. It’s about learning to communicate WITH each other not AT each other. We can’t change a single thing about the past and we begin with a fresh, a clean slate. There isn’t a single thing we can change about the past, nothing, so we let it go and we learn from it.

If you have taken the route of above and had the affair, I can help you work through that as well either individually or as a couple. Either way, learning to heal from it is important. We can look at it as information and how not to make the same choice in the future. You can also learn how to effectively communicate what is in your heart while not feeling so desperate and alone. Relationship Coaching is a great tool for any stage of a relationship or marriage.

In light,

Kristen

 

Sex Addiction

I know a woman whose husband has a sex addiction. Being all too familiar with addiction as it is, I was moved to ask some questions. Since addiction is my specialty I wanted to further interview her and understand the reality behind it, from both of their perspectives. I know that was a big buzz word in the 80’s suddenly everyone who seemingly couldn’t control their impulses cried out they have this addiction. It became a national phenomenon to be a sex addict and that was an instant “get out of jail free” card. Evangelists on television, politicians, actresses and actor’s began to appear on Good Morning America and even the Tonight Show bearing their souls to the world that the reason they got caught having an affair was because they were a sex addict. We were wooed into forgiving them…..really? How convenient, I thought, as I began to question my self and the nature of my own sexuality as compared to my other addictions. I thought, how can someone be addicted to sex; was it the act, the thrill of the chase, the fear of being caught, what was so addictive? Sure I love sex and with the right person it can be off the hook but an addict? What exactly makes one a sex addict?

Over all, addiction occurs when a void is not being fulfilled. There is something that the DOC (drug of choice) fills for the person that they don’t normally get elsewhere. It causes euphoria, stimuli, excitement, a rush, some kind of feeling that is unique to that individual. Most of us have something we really like a lot and wish we could do it all the time but have the means to control ourselves. But people with addictive behaviors and tendencies have a different chemical make up, and often outside influences occur such as opportunity, surroundings, and their own self esteem. Scientifically it begins in the Limbic System of the brain. The Limbic System contains the brain’s reward circuit – it links together a number of brain structures that control and regulate our ability to feel pleasure. Feeling pleasure motivates us to repeat behaviors such as eating – actions that are critical to our existence. The limbic system is activated when we perform these activities – and also by drugs of abuse. In addition, the limbic system is responsible for our perception of other emotions, both positive and negative, which explains the mood-altering properties of many drugs. It is a genetic predisposition to a certain feeling that triggers brain cells to respond favorably to that stimuli (1).

There are 2 kinds of addiction: physical and psychological. For instance for people using opiates and heroin it quickly becomes a physical addiction because the pain receptors in the brain become filled with the opiate and it feels so good. Then the brain begins it craves it and that causes severe physical responses such as withdrawals until the body receives the drug. Opiate addiction progresses at a startling rate regardless of whether or not the person wants the drug. Alcohol and other drugs such as benzodiazepine (benzos or xanax) can cause the same type of symptoms. Drugs like marijuana are more psychological; it causes psychological cravings and causes it’s user to think they need it. There really isn’t a physical dependency to it per say.

So then, what causes a person to be addicted to sex? My friend has been married for quite a while and they are in a 12 Step Program for it. She attends the “support” part of it like Alanon or Naranon,and she said the place was packed. Many there had partners that “fell off the wagon” during the holiday season. The pressure of the holidays, expectations, and money causes the sex addict to act just like an other ordinary addict to act. They go to their DOC to fill that void of what ever it is missing for them! Just like I used to do. I happen to volunteer time on a world wide website coaching individuals with any kind of addiction you can think of. They hooked me up with another website with a few members who had this particular issue. Right at the start they were very forthright! Most said it was the rush, the orgasm, that feeling of release, or relief. Sex triggered something in them that causes them to repeat that sensation over and over again, sometimes up to a dozen times a day with multiple partners. I was impressed; 12 times a day?

There was as many men as women; some as young as 18 others in their 60’s. I’d say about 20 percent didn’t have a sexual preference, it was just about the act and nothing more. Some of the women I spoke with were molested as children or sexually assaulted early in life. Some of the men said they didn’t receive any attention as children, they were abused or neglected and sex made them feel special, attractive, and wanted. That was another running undercurrent; the need to feel wanted and loved.

They know I am writing this article and every single one said that it is the most misunderstood of all the addictions and brings the most shame. They are racked with guilt, embarrassment, ridicule, very low self esteem and self worth. Most are single and multiple times divorced. They often have other addictions and disorders to coincide such as bulimia, anorexia, and cutting themselves. They have been casted out of their homes, family has abandoned them. One woman I spoke to said it is very hard to make friends and many doctors don’t buy it, she felt suicidal many times. I admit I was skeptical too but not anymore.

Having and developing normal healthy attitudes about sex are good, and when under the right circumstances it can be an amazing experience. But for some, it turns into a nightmare. If you or anyone you know has these symptoms (this is the general list) there is help available: Sex Addicts Anonymous https://saa-recovery.org/ is a 12 Step Program.

Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction:

• Sex dominates a person’s life
• Being pre-occupied with sexual thoughts and fantasy
• Excessive self-satisfaction
• Multiple partners, buying prostitutes, exchanging favors for sex
• Random, unprotected sex
• Anonymous partners
• Lack of intimacy
• The need to leave right after sex
• Can be narcissistic
• Multiple cell phones, computer user accounts, and bank accounts
• Phone sex, dating websites, cyber sex
• Not all, but some sex addicts can progress to becoming violent, demanding, and turn to criminal activities such as sexual harassment at work, rape, exposing themselves.

There were literally thousands on this site from all over the world: all nationalities, religions, and income levels. Just like with every other addiction no one is more special than the next. In my times of using/drinking I would have to say guilt and shame were my biggest obstacles, I would wake up in the morning just reeling with guilt for being so drunk the night before. I was so ashamed of myself for being a mom and me kids seeing me like that sometimes. For years I suffered with that. I would be so worried about what I said, what I did, was I in inappropriate? I had incredibly dangerous actions, drunk driving being the least, if you can imagine. We really aren’t any different then our fellow addict; be it booze, gambling, or sex. It’s a compulsion we can’t control and need help to get it under control.

There is so much in this world that we don’t know, thank God to those who open up and be honest so we do know!

Thank you, you know who you are!!

In Light,

~Kristen

1.http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/drugs-brain

 

What are We Praying for, Exactly, When We Pray?

I was just on Facebook and a friend was asking for prayers for his wife’s mother. She is being prepared for surgery again after still having some complications from a fall. In situations like this and others what do you pray for? I always prayed that they would live and everything would be perfect again. I prayed for the best to happen. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do, expect Miracles? That’s what I thought and that’s what I always did. But, I learned something in school and that is “What is the Best Intention for the Person?” I know what my best intentions are; that that this person hurries up and heals and no one has to suffer the experience of anyone dying or being permanently disabled in some way. But what about the person in question, what is best for them?

To me that sounded kind of crazy originally because I was thinking why wouldn’t this person want to heal and get better? Did they want to die? That had nothing to do with it, this goes back to Soul Contracts and our time here on Earth as a human. On my website I discuss Soul Contracts and in brief review, it is how long you planned to be here on earth as a human with all the things that you wanted to experience in order to progress in Heaven to your final resting place. It also leaves some space for things to occur naturally in the world, as things do. We planned to be here, complete with all the misery and all the good. Every broken heart, every fall, every disaster, and all the pain that went with it. It’s hard to imagine that we would do this to ourselves but trust me, we did. We also planned the good things, and good friends and while things do happen that are our of our control, what we call Acts of God, for the most part you called it. Now here is a big pill to swallow, you even chose your parents….. I know, I know many of you are shaking your head saying you wouldn’t abuse yourself that way but here is a comforting thought…..Your children chose you!

Anyway, when we are faced with tragedy such as a horrible car accident or an illness we automatically tend to pray that they heal and live forever. But those prayers are for us so we don’t have to suffer and grieve. They aren’t for the person hurt. We don’t know where they are in their Soul Contract and this may be deterring the inevitable. Case in point, and I have many but we will go with this one, my husbands’ friend recently died in a motorcycle accident. It was horrific; the bike was smashed to pieces, torn apart, and he left behind a beautiful wife and 2 little boys. It was an awful thing to have happen so young in life to loose your life and leave behind a young little family. Here is the kicker – he got in a motorcycle accident less that 9 months beforehand and the doctors and surgeons worked like mad to patch him back together so he would live. Guess what, it was meant to be and this time the accident was bad enough that it would happen. When God calls us back, He calls us back.

This is when people ask “But where is God, he allowed this terrible thing to happen!” “I’m never going to church again, I’m giving up on God because he doesn’t do anything for me!” I have said those words and more because I had no belief in anything. What I did  learn is that God is there to help the injured or sick person through transition and welcome them on the other side at the end of “their” journey. Great celebration takes place on the other side. Family and friends who have passed, including pets, are coming to welcome them home. It is a joyous event, everyone is talking, high fiving, milling around, catching up on what’s new….They look back at us smiling because they know in not too long you will be there too. They know you’re sad but once it is your time and you transition you will remember and they will come for you!!

This is where God comes in for us. He is there to help us, the ones left behind, deal with the loss. He is there to ease the pain and get us back on our feet. We may not feel or see Him, but He is there. That is the true Miracle; that we go on with our lives as we had designed with Him. It is more important that we finish what we came here to do, than taking too long to grieve. We may be cursing Him yet He forgives us because we can’t remember. He is literally working a Miracle of healing in your heart trying to bring us understanding and acceptance. That is why all of a sudden you feel better one day and are able to move on. It took me a very long time to understand this but I finally got it.

Now when I pray I pray for the best possible outcome as prescribed by God and the person in question. I pray that whatever is meant to be will be. It is the hardest thing I have had to but then I remember incidents like my husbands’ friends’ motorcycle accident and others I knew like him. I am reminded that nothing in this world is about me and what I think should be, it is all about Spirit and our Greater Purpose. Next time you pray for someone try truly praying for them and see how you feel afterwards. God is everywhere, truly working Miracles in every way, every day! To All that Is….

Blessings,

Kristen

 

It’s a Beautiful Day…..on the Road to Success!

I finally got my website published yesterday. What began as a quest to put together a simple synapsis of what my business would be like and services offered turned into an unbelievable experience I won’t soon forget. What did I really want to have happen? What type of business did I really want to have? I would go back and forth to the computer analyzing this possibility, thinking over that possibility, etc. I spent hundreds of hour’s researching websites from every Life Coach, Hypnotherapist and Tarot Reader I could find. I studied what worked for them, what didn’t, what I liked, and what I didn’t. It all made me begin to realize that this was for real! This was not just something to throw together this indeed was the face front of what I wanted my life’s work to be about! Start throwing words around like that and suddenly you begin to think like you are an important person or something, you now have “work”. The only “face front” I ever had was a drunk face front so…… I’m kind of behind the 8 ball a bit.

Moving on, it had become a daunting task, because now I had a purpose. Now it had to be really special and have the greatest representation of how my business would come across. Have you seen some of the websites out there? There are some really good ones and even more bad ones. I didn’t want to fall somewhere in the middle, I wanted to be in the top 10 of what I saw out there. I wanted people to know that “Hey I am serious about this!” But everyday I sat sown in front of my computer uninspired, unfeeling, and unsure of what it was exactly I would be doing with my business. I had been on this journey of self discovery through school for about 16 months and I still didn’t feel as though I had arrived. I felt like I was still out there in the ethers..floating.

After my ordination in early December I thought ok, this is it, now it is time to knock this out of the park. I have completed the bulk of my education and I am ready to roll. I sat back down in front of the computer once again but just stared at the screen. Nothing flowed from my soul into my fingers. I had a few rough ideas here and there but nothing concrete. I started to feel like maybe I had made a mistake, like all the times before. I would get so excited about a new idea and throw my life into it only to fail. My husband was kind of enough to remind me that Abraham Lincoln failed like a million times before he became president and everyone laughed at Thomas Edison and his light bulb. I said “That was like 10 million years ago, this is happening right now!” He said “It’s when you don’t try that you are failing.” I didn’t know if I should hug him or slap him. Maybe secretly I wanted to be a failure, I was tired of being embarrassed when something doesn’t work. All I ever wanted was my own business and each time I had it, it failed. I began to clearly feel that maybe I was better off being a worker bee instead of an entrepreneur.

My teachers and friends at school assured me that I was great at what I was doing and this was my true calling. As I would look at them though my eyes I would be saying “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know who I am? I don’t succeed, I fail miserably!” I have spent my life busting my ass to make other people money, and did it well Yet when it came for myself there never seemed to be enough money to start it up or enough time to do it right. That is the one thing about SWIHA I have to say is that from day 1 they drill it into your head you can and will succeed. They don’t question your ability; they naturally have faith that all of their students will be a stellar success. I thought that was pretty cool since some of us there have serious emotional and physical damage from past issues. Mostly everyone I met was either an addict, a recovering addict, in and out of abusive relationships, or can’t quite nail down what it is they want to do with their life. None of us really fit in mainstream academia. One things is for sure, it is a school for people who need a different way to get well in a way that nothing else had ever worked for any of them. At least that was my story. Remember, I only went the originally to see if I could get my hours for an Arizona massage license. I walked out enrolled in a 2 year degree.

I put it in my head that over Christmas break I would finish my website, my blog, and my Facebook page and have it all published and at least look like I had a business going. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. One morning I sat down on the computer and magic words began to flow out of my fingers and onto the screen. I actually had a feeling like I knew what I was doing. I felt like someone else was possibly ‘driving the car’ but who cares, maybe Spirit knows better about these things. I remember that song by Carrie Underwood (I think) called “Jesus Take the Wheel”, maybe Spirit took the computer. However it happened it kept me clicking keys for 18 days straight. Out of that came every single aspect of how I wanted my business to be. What shocked me more is that I actually believe that this is a formidable business. I know it will be successful and last night I was telling my husband I expect to gross 30,000 a month in the first year. No I wasn’t drunk or high, I was being real. I said the more money we make with this ministry the more we can give it to the people who need it most. God knows we have been there. He stood there and while trying to remain calm about the prospect of 30,000 dollars a month he looked at me and said I “Well, now I guess you can buy that boat you’ve wanted for a while!” Then he said “I always knew you could do anything you set your mind too, I was just waiting for you to discover it too.”

Before I went to bed I went and looked at my website again. I have never taken a web design course and I am the worst touch typer ever. It took me many hours to get it perfect (in my eyes), but I think for the first time in my life I got it right. The more I typed and formulated the more the ideas and plans just seeped out of me and I don’t even know where it came from because I hadn’t planned it out previously. It was magic. My biggest challenge was getting all the my modalities that I am capable of  and love down to about 4. From there I figure with time it will get down to my number one service. I felt I would leave that part open to the Universe, that the people who need me the most will show up in that particular category. If I can trust Spirit to design my website I’m pretty sure They will send me the people I need to help. How wonderful is that? I get to help people heal and help them to feel god about themselves. It’s a beautiful day…I haven’t said that in years…Enjoy!!!

Blessings,

Kristen

 

So it begins….

A New Year, a New Me, a New Beginning. That is how I am starting 2014 off. I am already declaring it the Best Year Ever and I am seeing the world with new eyes. I am not bringing with me my jaded thoughts of the past, I am not bringing regret, I am not bringing old hurts and past pain. I am bringing forward a brand new individual forward fully equipped to make a profound difference in at least 1 persons life. 1 person. If it happens with more that will be awesome but if I can effect 1 positively it will all be worth it.

2013 was s very painful year, as it was for many of my friends and family, and it has taught me many lessons I had not learned in my 46 years. With 47 looming in the not-so-distant future it is my hope that I don’t have any more big lessons to learn in life any time soon. My big lesson for 2013 was ‘’Get Over It”. While going through my hypnotherapy studies we had many classes that dealt with how information that is stored in our subconscious mind can actually become our reality. That’s the short version. Our subconscious is like a giant tank, it holds every single thought of every single thing that ever was or ever will be. In there are all the things we have ever heard or thought about ourselves, even as far back as our past lives.

Can you imagine? We wonder why people have so many issues in this world; we have a huge well of unproductive thought hanging around in our mind. That is the premise we operate from, that is the view we exist from. Everything from what our parents said to us, to Tommy on the play ground making fun of us, the mean girls in high school, and even in our relationships as adults we store this information like a giant file cabinet. We periodically go through that file cabinet pulling out those files as we see necessary. What if, we pretend we didn’t hear any of those things? What if, we wipe the slate clean and begin this year as someone who has never experienced a broken heart, a hurtful comment, or a racist remark ? Imagine what your life would be like at this age and not having any of the past baggage strapped to you? Here is my Top 10 List for New Beginnings!

Top 10 List for 2014!

Lesson 1. Release your parents from what they ‘did’ to you as a child. They were operating from the point of doing the very best they had with the information they had at the time. Remember, they had parents as well, and they are the result of their parenting. They didn’t know that what they were doing, in most cases, was harmful because it had been done to them. Want to really blow your mind? We choose our parents…..Oh yeah.

Lesson 2. How old are you right now? You are still blaming (fill in the blank) for your lack of success for 40 plus years?? Really?!?!

Lesson 3. Stop telling your Story. The Story is the story you keep telling everyone you meet. Are you the kind of person who tells your whole life story in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone? Stop it. It doesn’t do you any good, in fact it deters people from you. Telling that same story over and over again only further cements it in your subconscious allowing it to become more real every time you tell it.

Lesson 4. Release your negative thoughts! Ouch. That one was personal, I can take a pain and turn it into stage 4 cancer in a matter of minutes. Be careful what you say and think because your words have power.

lesson 5. Don’t tell people how they should live their life. Unless you are God you have no idea where a person has been or what they have been through. They will answer to their Higher Power in the end, as will you. It is best to be concerned with yourself becoming the best person you can be instead of telling someone else how to.

Lesson 6. Forgive. Release all of the people who have hurt you and then forgive yourself. Hanging on to grudges, anger, and resentment only hurts you. It really does, this was huge for me. I was overcome with anger…so much anger. Whewwww. I also learned that we don’t have to invite that person/people back into our lives either. We don’t have to be friends and it is ok to have healthy boundaries.

lesson 6. Search out a Spiritual Path if you Don’t Have One. Most of us were baptized into the religion of our families and many feel stuck there. We  go to church or temple week after week and get nothing from it. Begin the year quietly contemplating whether being spiritual or religious is important to you? There are 325 documented religions in the world and endless forms of spirituality, maybe finding something special you can relate to will help you in your life.

Lesson 7. Love Unconditionally. We can’t hold our new partners hostage for the crimes of past partners. Also, if you are in a situation where you have “forgiven’ your partner for something, make sure you have let it go and not be bringing it up. Look at your relationship with fresh eyes…Love them as if your heart has never been broken. Yes, you may risk being hurt again, but remember they are too…we aren’t the only ones who have been damaged….

Lesson 8. Let go of Prejudice. It does no good to hate someone for their color, ethnicity, sexual orientation,  religious beliefs, or any other reason they are different from us. It isn’t our business to point out what we think is wrong with someone. I’m sure we have our beliefs from our parents about a lot of things. Let it go…instead, choose compassion. Try looking at someone with love and listen to how your heart feels, people are suffering enough, be a point of light…be their comfort.

Lesson 9. Make a More or Less activity sheet. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side write down all the things you want more of in your life. On the other side make a list of what you want less of. Pick your top 5 and make that your action list for the year!

Lesson 10. Get educated! Take a class, get a degree, and learn something new. Begin 2014 with a wide awake and curious soul!! When was the last time you were in a classroom? Make a resolution to yourself that this year…will be your year!! You will be amazed at how it will change you!!

Blessings!!!