How trusting are you in your life? Do you feel insecure and have low self esteem? Do you get jealous easily? Do you feel like you can’t believe what people tell you? Have you been cheated on and lied to? What led you to not having trust in your life? Would you be interested in learning how to get it back, even if it meant some hard work?
I have had problems with trust for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from my childhood and living in such an unstable environment. My father was an alcoholic and he literally drank every day of my life until I was 18 years old. I never felt stable, or secure, I always felt uneasy and not knowing what was going to happen next. Those memories haunt me until today. I say haunts because my memories feel like ghosts just hanging out that I can’t send back to the light.
Growing up a I had a few boyfriends but one guy became the love of my life as a teenager. I never really had anyone to love or say “I love you’ to me like that. I felt like love was something I would never experience so when he told me that he loved me I believed him. We were together for a few years. We were two peas in a pod and totally inseparable. Then he cheated on me, not once but several times. He even cheated on me with my best friend and probably more people than I care to know. I forgave him, and I forgave him again. My friends and family thought I was crazy but I thought if I loved him enough he wouldn’t cheat on me. I felt like it was all my fault. I did everything I could; I always dressed nice, I kept myself thin, I was athletic, I was very sexual and adventurous, and I always thought of him first. None of it mattered. He was a cheater and I found out that 30 years later he is still is….. and he has a 3rd wife.
I had a string of just less than good relationships that I am not even going to go into. But the final straw was when I dated another guy who was also an alcoholic he also slept with ANOTHER friend of mine. The hits just kept coming. I felt like the biggest LOSER God ever created so I packed up my stuff and moved to California. That’s when I really got into trouble, that’s when I really started with the drugs. I did not want to feel anything or anyone I just wanted to be as stoned, as stoned could be. No lie, I just packed it up and shipped it out. I had enough of Detroit and I was moving on.
I was lonely and desperate using drugs at an early age because I needed comfort. I needed a safe place to fall. I also looked to men for that comfort and while I was fun for them to play around with, they fell short on the commitment side. I truly was looking for love in all the wrong places. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong with these men! What I learned later was the choices in men that I made, not what I did wrong. I was so far down emotionally I wasn’t in the right mindset to place value on myself. I didn’t know I was really a good person and deserved to be treated nicely and with respect. I thought I deserved all of the mistreatment I had received.
I kicked the drugs and came back to Michigan, and I met my first husband. Out of the frying pan and RIGHT into the fire. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, he was an older guy, good looking, had plenty of money and loved to party. I married him and while he was always faithful and never cheated on me, his verbal abuse killed off any self esteem and security I had left. After a few years into the relationship I felt so bad about myself I didn’t believe anyone would want me. I dove deeper and deeper into alcohol desperately trying to kill any nerve ending that was exposed so I would not have to feel any more pain. I would drink myself to sleep every night until I passed out, I couldn’t stand to be awake. There were times I still prayed for death because death would have been so much better.
After the divorce I had NO trust or faith in men or women. I didn’t have any hope in myself or even in my outlook. I was truly hope-less. I worked a job every day, struggled to feed my kids, and just still prayed for death because that would be the relief I so desperately needed from this life. Then things began to change. I met a man, who is now my husband, who had equally the same amount of damage but in different ways. We had a long distance relationship so we spent HOURS talking on the phone about our lives, our marriages, and our situations. Gradually, through sharing stores and developing a relationship we began to heal big chunks of ourselves.
Fast forward today and I am much stronger and healthier than what I was…except for one little thing. Trust. I still can not seem to let myself trust on a level that would allow me to live a much more meaningful life. I worry, I get in my own way, and I wish it would stop. I wish I could just wake up and ENJOY the day and not have these worries and thoughts. I wish I could feel more confident.
I have found great strength much improvement through Hypnotherapy, in particular Subconscious Intervention. By way of hypnotic trance I was actually able to go back and have a conversation with my father and ask him questions about why he was the way he was. I found our he was doing the best he could based on the information he had at the time. He had his own problems in childhood and he truly was acting out of what he knew. Just like I did, I was drunk almost every single day of my kids lives until they were 16, so I understood. I also learned that the men in my life who hurt me did so because I allowed it. I had co-dependency issues, love addiction, alcoholism, and I was a mess! I hug out with people who were in the same boat as me.
Thee are so many healing possibilities with Hypnotherapy! If you are ready to take a step forward in your life and begin to look at these ghosts you have hanging around, Hypnotherapy offers so many different ways of achieving that. Please visit my website at http://sacredcircleministry.com and look into the Hypnotherapy area. You can learn ways to release those feelings and gain incredible insight into your life. No matter how far down you are, and I was down, you can get back up again, you can have a beautiful life!!
The damage did not get there over night and it will not leave over night. I know there are many of you with stories similar and much worse than mine. I believe by sharing my stories I will show that there are ways to get better, ways you may not have ever thought about. If you or someone you know is having problems moving forward in life, please send them to my website! Thank you!
Ava Elizabeth Wisdom
February 25, 2014 at 2:53 AM
Wow, sister. It’s like you were talking about myself life…up until you found your husband and were healed. I just cannot believe how similar our stories are. And, I’m thankful that there’s a name for it.
Also, it gave me chills when I read about you going back, talking to your dad, and discovering that he did the best he could with what he knew at the time. Last April I went to this “incredible” place in Tennessee called Onsite. During a guided meditation, I walked over a hill to find “myself” on the other side…as a young child. I had to write a letter to my inner child.
I feel like my father was and is still the one who originally inflicted these wounds. My story is intense… He was and still is emotionally abusive to me… but my “mom”…oh…if you only knew how he abused and wounded her. She ended up taking her own life in 2001.
Anyway, with as much blame as I place on him (Because who could possibly treat a child that way?), I found myself having great compassion toward him in the exercise where I had to write a letter to my inner child. I too know that he was doing the best he could with what he knew. He was almost killed in Vietnam…and his childhood was dysfunctional as all get out. But you know… he has never tried to get better. It’s kind of like everyone just says, “That’s the way he is.” I call B.S. on that. We all have choices. I am choosing to overcome this… and to live, like my mother didn’t. I am choosing to FIGHT for my life and for the lives of my children.
Thanks for sharing….
February 25, 2014 at 7:53 AM
Good Morning Ava,
Thank you for your beautiful comment on my new little blog. That is why I started this ministry and why I write because I know there are other people like myself with very similar stories. I am very sorry about your mother! She couldn’t find her way this lifetime and that’s ok, she will find it the next time. Sometimes in our life plan we didn’t realize just how painful some of these choices are that we created for ourselves. Thank you for sharing your story!! Your father may be in a place that he just doesn’t know “how” to get better. in his generation it becomes acceptable to have less than desirable actions. Think of how many aunts and uncles we have that behave a certain way “because that is just the way they are”. It is huge BS!!! lol I agree! We can teach them, one step at a time, one lesson at a time. So many of us are stuck in the fact of what was ‘done’ to us not realizing that something was “done” to the person doing it. Their behavior had to come from somewhere. I’m in my mid 40’s and I had a lot of anger towards my father for many years. Around the time he died in 1999 I felt that I had come to terms with the way things were. But in my hypnosis training I learned so much more, such as your Inner Child letter and work! It’s amazing what happens when we bring in that persons spirit and talk to them, we find out they are not much different than we are….gives us a little compassion:)
Thank you for your wonderful contribution Ava! It give me chills when I read that someone else has had the same experiences!!